To End The War Raging Within You

Dear Me,

When life tells you that none of it is going to be okay, don’t believe it like you never believed some people on other occasions. Many a time, you are compelled to think that this is how it’s gonna be for the rest of your life when life tosses you around with its spatula in a black bubbling stew of troubles and doubts. Imagine a football field where life is the ground and you’re the player. There are hundreds of spectators out there, near and afar, who are either booing you down or cheering you up. Which ones are you going to hear out? The boo-hoos? Or the go-get-’em cheers? It’s up to you. Just know that you yield the prowess to  filter the unwanted and leave the icky stuffs behind on the sieve.

Sometimes, you’re the ball on the field and the other people surrounding you are the players. You get kicked around and picked about-hard and fast-that’s how it is. Everything is out of your control and you can’t even stop doing what they do to you because remember, you’re just a ball then. A ball can’t lash out at people or harangue them with piercing words. A ball can’t roll around on its own unless it’s pushed forth by a force to a certain degree. A ball can’t bite back with a clever comeback to put them in their places. At times you want to be pushed by people. You may, in the beginning, think that it’s pretty weak of you to even entertain the thought of people shoving your back to reach the borderline. But, it’s the kind of truth that tastes like bitter lozenges and I can’t sugar-coat it for you. I’m the last person on this planet filled with deceits and lies to lure you into a world of illusions that will eventually add up to your already existing sadness. I know it sucks. All of it. Believe me. Not them. Not any of them, not even the ones who keep assuring you that it’s all going to turn out well because they all leave in the end. You have only you to yourself.

It works most of the time. The players push you to and fro, up and down, side to side, and finally make you hit the goal post. SCORE! You will revel the triumph for a few games, but all good things are tarnished by the shortcomings of departure. Heck! They all leave. Your mates. They eventually desert you. It’s the kind of ramshackle that fastens your limbs with manacles and you can’t get up, you can’t move and it feels like there is nowhere to go. You have ridden  on their backs for so long that you have forgotten how to walk on your own two feet. You get up and fall. Get up and fall, THUD! No broken parts will you have, but you will have a  broken heart. You’re back to being an infant. It’s back to square one of life.

Then, just as a baby matures and passes through the various stages of physical and mental developments to grow into the adults we see in our sphere, you do too. The only difference between you and the baby is that the mental changes are literal in the real baby while figurative in you. You’ve passed all of them yet here you are shuddering and coiled up on the floor because you’ve failed. You think you’ve failed everyone you care for. Look at me now and listen close, you never fail. One never fails anyone. You only fail you, but you will have another attempt at winning this shot.

In the process of becoming stronger, you will believe many a thing that are utopian. Things like ‘it will last forever if I am determined enough’ or ‘I don’t need anyone to stitch my heart whole’. Love, you’ve never been more blatantly wrong.

You’ll find yourself breaking apart after every cycle of rejuvenation. You’re made undone and done. You are opened up and filled in again. You soak in stuffs and expel stuffs. You are ever dynamic, and just as the summer gushes in after every cycle of winter, you’ll welcome euphoria after periods of depression. It’s just like the day and night cycle except it’s more erratic than the Earth’s rotation. However, if there’s one thing I must tell you, it’s that don’t be pivoted to a particular issue. Don’t rotate around the axis of what causes you much pain. Let it glide through. You’ll be at ease.

I have told you to believe me and not others. I have told you that all of them eventually leave. I have never been more wrong.

It’s true that you will have to believe me because I am you. This is you. But sometimes, you shouldn’t trust your own instincts which led me to write the otherwise. People do stay. People do care. People do see and feel what you see and feel. Don’t you ever think that you’re all alone in this world teeming with unique life-forms and thoughts. This place, right here, is a kaleidoscope of emotions-it brings out the worst and it brings out the best. If you have this notion that people will never be out there for you, it’s because you either haven’t opened up completely or you just haven’t come across the right kind of people yet. There are plain old fools and then, there are the thinkers- and- dreamers. The latter group will liberate you from your remorse and sorrows. They will welcome you into their circle of strong-will if you would just muster the courage to open up your wounds. Tell them, tell them all of it. Even if none of it makes any sense and even if you don’t know where all of what’s making you feel a certain way coming from, let it all out in front of them. People are there, honey. People will be there to pull you out while you’re drowning in the deep dark waters of such sadness. They’ll be your life vest.

If all of this makes you feel any vulnerable or feeble, you’ll have to stop thinking that. I’m not forcing you to be open to everyone and anyone around and to not put up the tough girl act in front of the audience. Do it, but do it at your will. If you feel like you can’t act out any more then take off that extremely tight corset of toughness. You’ll feel lighter then. You have to expose yourself to the world out there to experience anything anew. It doesn’t matter if it’s abrasive or soothing because you’ll have to take the chance as it is, not wait for it to tone itself down a bit for your comfort. It never was any comfortable when you finally resumed your one hour work-out session after two years. Every muscle in your body was pulled taut and you were left gasping for breath. With your lungs on fire and body sore, you let your body drop on that wooden chair and you smiled. You said you’d do it again. You said you’d do it everyday and you did. It was horrible to begin with. The next morning, every part of your body was aching and the cramps were horrendous. They felt intolerable, but you had the determination, that will to make it easier for yourself by doing it again and again and all over again.

Life is a lot like that, love. It throws at you something outrageously difficult and you have to shed your patience and courage to make the baggage feel like it’s a lot easier to carry around. You will have regrets pulling you down. Anxiety stalling your progress. But remember, none of us are perfect. We’ve all made mistakes that we can never forgive ourselves for. Nonetheless, we can accept them and strive for better to prove the world that we are much better people than what our mistakes made us seem like. Get over it, sweetie, and get to the other side.

Contradictions are frustrating. This place is filled with them and so are you. At times you feel like you’re all that’s left for yourself and the other times you just know that the others have your back. Paradoxes pull you apart and push you in and it can be nauseating. You’ll want to bang your head on the wall and scream out of anger that’s welling up within you because you just cannot make up your damn  mind on what you really want. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel that. It’s completely okay to feel so contradictory. Take it as a gift and use that ability to expand your vision to multitudinous perceptions. You will be wrong yet you will be right. You’ll say something and you’ll say another thing against it. What’s making you so irate is a boon in this realm of bigotry. Think, ponder, prod various possibilities on something even if you contradict yourself. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

You want the nirvana? You’ll get it deary. Even if you have to put on that nirvana shirt to feel good, then do it. Do more of what makes you feel happy, confident, and peaceful. Don’t ever step back from what you have a strong urge to do at the moment. But, don’t regret it later. Don’t bite your tongue and curse at the mirror. It’s okay to be zealous for a short span once in a while.

Lastly, never hesitate to ask for a hug. If you want it, just go for the damn thing.

Sincerely,
You.

Bury the Regrets

I bite my lip and swear at the morbid screen. I shouldn’t have said that. I probably hurt her. She’s already so sensitive and fragile that all it takes is a little nudge to see her breaking apart like a glass would. 

Heart drops heavy and I heave a sigh of distress. There are regrets that abound in every page of my story. I should have, I could have, I must have, things would be so different otherwise, like  the Chaos Theory says-a little tweak now, a kaboom in the future.

It’s so tempting to envisage an alternate reality where things don’t get stuck in the pipe and gently flow through it. No turbulence. Just tranquillity. We wish every decision, every step, didn’t have to come up with such sordid consequences. You do something on the spur of the moment and then you mutter to yourself,“Damn it! I should have thought that through.” However, it’s too late. The damage has been done. Now, it’s time to flee before your parents bite into your already frustrated soul.

How could we have known that the decision wouldn’t lead us to the expected outcome? We only start regretting after we either face the results or ponder more rationally which makes us desperately want to rewind time and undo the did. I regret doing this specific thing because now I’m aware that doing it would lead me to so and so outcomes, so I ask, “can I just walk back in time Universe?” The Universe bellows NO! And here I am wasting my time regretting what I did.

We aren’t Time Lords. We can’t control time. We don’t wield the prowess to snap our fingers to be teleported right back to that instant and fix everything only to change the course of reality itself. Even if we could, it would come with its fair share of consequences because altering the reality is a troublesome work. Don’t believe me? It’s about time you bury yourself in the realm of metaphysics.

no-regrets

 

So what if you can’t erase that permanent mark on the white board? You could always draw over that permanent mark! It may turn out to be a little sketchy, but even the sketchiest thing seems whole when you accept it for what it is. Maybe, you will never be forgiven for what you did, and maybe you will be. But, clinging to that regret will only leave you behind in this marathon. Regretting is like giving up and resting your body while the other runners are way ahead of you.

I don’t know if you think of life as a race. However, this life is an individual race for those of us who still live and if we want to finish it, we have to stand right up, muster the courage and bolt toward the finishing line. There will be obstructions, pesky pebbles which will make you trip, discouragement because you’re falling behind, but keep going and don’t stop. Regrets will always find their way to your head, but you will never find your way back to that potentially  joyous moment lost.

This may be hard for you, but it’s about time you snip-snip the string that binds you to those regrets and float away in the expanse of serenity. You and I know that one can truly take a delight in their lives by bidding those regrets adieu. Do it. Cut it. Hurl it. Never let it pay you a visit again.