To End The War Raging Within You

Dear Me,

When life tells you that none of it is going to be okay, don’t believe it like you never believed some people on other occasions. Many a time, you are compelled to think that this is how it’s gonna be for the rest of your life when life tosses you around with its spatula in a black bubbling stew of troubles and doubts. Imagine a football field where life is the ground and you’re the player. There are hundreds of spectators out there, near and afar, who are either booing you down or cheering you up. Which ones are you going to hear out? The boo-hoos? Or the go-get-’em cheers? It’s up to you. Just know that you yield the prowess to  filter the unwanted and leave the icky stuffs behind on the sieve.

Sometimes, you’re the ball on the field and the other people surrounding you are the players. You get kicked around and picked about-hard and fast-that’s how it is. Everything is out of your control and you can’t even stop doing what they do to you because remember, you’re just a ball then. A ball can’t lash out at people or harangue them with piercing words. A ball can’t roll around on its own unless it’s pushed forth by a force to a certain degree. A ball can’t bite back with a clever comeback to put them in their places. At times you want to be pushed by people. You may, in the beginning, think that it’s pretty weak of you to even entertain the thought of people shoving your back to reach the borderline. But, it’s the kind of truth that tastes like bitter lozenges and I can’t sugar-coat it for you. I’m the last person on this planet filled with deceits and lies to lure you into a world of illusions that will eventually add up to your already existing sadness. I know it sucks. All of it. Believe me. Not them. Not any of them, not even the ones who keep assuring you that it’s all going to turn out well because they all leave in the end. You have only you to yourself.

It works most of the time. The players push you to and fro, up and down, side to side, and finally make you hit the goal post. SCORE! You will revel the triumph for a few games, but all good things are tarnished by the shortcomings of departure. Heck! They all leave. Your mates. They eventually desert you. It’s the kind of ramshackle that fastens your limbs with manacles and you can’t get up, you can’t move and it feels like there is nowhere to go. You have ridden  on their backs for so long that you have forgotten how to walk on your own two feet. You get up and fall. Get up and fall, THUD! No broken parts will you have, but you will have a  broken heart. You’re back to being an infant. It’s back to square one of life.

Then, just as a baby matures and passes through the various stages of physical and mental developments to grow into the adults we see in our sphere, you do too. The only difference between you and the baby is that the mental changes are literal in the real baby while figurative in you. You’ve passed all of them yet here you are shuddering and coiled up on the floor because you’ve failed. You think you’ve failed everyone you care for. Look at me now and listen close, you never fail. One never fails anyone. You only fail you, but you will have another attempt at winning this shot.

In the process of becoming stronger, you will believe many a thing that are utopian. Things like ‘it will last forever if I am determined enough’ or ‘I don’t need anyone to stitch my heart whole’. Love, you’ve never been more blatantly wrong.

You’ll find yourself breaking apart after every cycle of rejuvenation. You’re made undone and done. You are opened up and filled in again. You soak in stuffs and expel stuffs. You are ever dynamic, and just as the summer gushes in after every cycle of winter, you’ll welcome euphoria after periods of depression. It’s just like the day and night cycle except it’s more erratic than the Earth’s rotation. However, if there’s one thing I must tell you, it’s that don’t be pivoted to a particular issue. Don’t rotate around the axis of what causes you much pain. Let it glide through. You’ll be at ease.

I have told you to believe me and not others. I have told you that all of them eventually leave. I have never been more wrong.

It’s true that you will have to believe me because I am you. This is you. But sometimes, you shouldn’t trust your own instincts which led me to write the otherwise. People do stay. People do care. People do see and feel what you see and feel. Don’t you ever think that you’re all alone in this world teeming with unique life-forms and thoughts. This place, right here, is a kaleidoscope of emotions-it brings out the worst and it brings out the best. If you have this notion that people will never be out there for you, it’s because you either haven’t opened up completely or you just haven’t come across the right kind of people yet. There are plain old fools and then, there are the thinkers- and- dreamers. The latter group will liberate you from your remorse and sorrows. They will welcome you into their circle of strong-will if you would just muster the courage to open up your wounds. Tell them, tell them all of it. Even if none of it makes any sense and even if you don’t know where all of what’s making you feel a certain way coming from, let it all out in front of them. People are there, honey. People will be there to pull you out while you’re drowning in the deep dark waters of such sadness. They’ll be your life vest.

If all of this makes you feel any vulnerable or feeble, you’ll have to stop thinking that. I’m not forcing you to be open to everyone and anyone around and to not put up the tough girl act in front of the audience. Do it, but do it at your will. If you feel like you can’t act out any more then take off that extremely tight corset of toughness. You’ll feel lighter then. You have to expose yourself to the world out there to experience anything anew. It doesn’t matter if it’s abrasive or soothing because you’ll have to take the chance as it is, not wait for it to tone itself down a bit for your comfort. It never was any comfortable when you finally resumed your one hour work-out session after two years. Every muscle in your body was pulled taut and you were left gasping for breath. With your lungs on fire and body sore, you let your body drop on that wooden chair and you smiled. You said you’d do it again. You said you’d do it everyday and you did. It was horrible to begin with. The next morning, every part of your body was aching and the cramps were horrendous. They felt intolerable, but you had the determination, that will to make it easier for yourself by doing it again and again and all over again.

Life is a lot like that, love. It throws at you something outrageously difficult and you have to shed your patience and courage to make the baggage feel like it’s a lot easier to carry around. You will have regrets pulling you down. Anxiety stalling your progress. But remember, none of us are perfect. We’ve all made mistakes that we can never forgive ourselves for. Nonetheless, we can accept them and strive for better to prove the world that we are much better people than what our mistakes made us seem like. Get over it, sweetie, and get to the other side.

Contradictions are frustrating. This place is filled with them and so are you. At times you feel like you’re all that’s left for yourself and the other times you just know that the others have your back. Paradoxes pull you apart and push you in and it can be nauseating. You’ll want to bang your head on the wall and scream out of anger that’s welling up within you because you just cannot make up your damn  mind on what you really want. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel that. It’s completely okay to feel so contradictory. Take it as a gift and use that ability to expand your vision to multitudinous perceptions. You will be wrong yet you will be right. You’ll say something and you’ll say another thing against it. What’s making you so irate is a boon in this realm of bigotry. Think, ponder, prod various possibilities on something even if you contradict yourself. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

You want the nirvana? You’ll get it deary. Even if you have to put on that nirvana shirt to feel good, then do it. Do more of what makes you feel happy, confident, and peaceful. Don’t ever step back from what you have a strong urge to do at the moment. But, don’t regret it later. Don’t bite your tongue and curse at the mirror. It’s okay to be zealous for a short span once in a while.

Lastly, never hesitate to ask for a hug. If you want it, just go for the damn thing.

Sincerely,
You.

Friends and Change

It’s hard not to fret over unwanted changes because you’re absolutely content with this moment. Those furrowed eyebrows, beads of sweat kneading your forehead, bouts of anxiety that accompany the slightest contemplation of something and finally a panic attack unleashed in its full glory. They’re all few symptoms of your resolute no to life’s mysterious plans that plays along by rolling its dice. Sometimes, you wish your mind had a sturdy armour to deflect these pointed strikes carried out by fear. Unfortunately, for almost all of us who aren’t ready to step into a foreign land yet, it’s not possible to hinder despair or anguish. Everything comes at a great cost. For what you gain, you lose something. For all the grandeur you’re showered with, know that there’s downfall awaiting. With happiness comes equal amount of sadness. That’s how life levels itself. It always tries to play fair. However, we let ourselves ingrain specific moments into our heads that either inflict too much misery or keep us high with ecstasy. Well, that’s how I think it is.

I see how I’m drifting away from the people I love. No matter how hard I try, the currents of change are too strong for me to reach out to them. I lash out at transience, beat about and kick my legs around just so  it can let me out of its tight and suffocating grasp. If these are the consequences I have to bear for moving along with this wretched entity, I’d rather perish to stillness than witness the loss of what I cherish. But, change is inevitable, and immobility impossible until it finally chooses to take me along with it. How will I fight against this then? I don’t. In fact, no one can. It’s just not  possible to overcome the hold change has upon us.

You may ask, ” Well, if it causes you this great a misery, then why don’t you stop emotionally investing in people?” Don’t you think I tried? Snipping off all kinds of ties from people and dwelling in a shack all to myself surrounded by solitude was the first thought that crossed my doleful mind. I hardened my heart into a rock and put up a mask of intolerance. I thought that an act of biting coldness would sap people’s warmth and send them scurrying away, far away from my presence. In the end, the rock ended up weathering due to the strong forces of people around me. Like it or not, life is hell-bent upon moulding and morphing you into a new character every day by adding a new twist to your story as you proceed. You can’t see anyone more stubborn than life.

Even people whose faces are marked with a noticeable indifference aren’t that impassive toward others. They may not feel those pangs of emotions just as much as you do, but everyone has their own weaknesses  and nature always has something in store to send a ripple of feelings in every one of us. Some people just happen to have mastered the act of concealing things and pouring forth the troubles in dark with the four walls bearing witness. Change has that ability- to make a person worth the splendour or completely wear one out from within. It doesn’t matter if you’re a loner or a social butterfly. We’re all victims to reformation. There’s no running away from this one.

Whatever it is, I welcome it with my arms wide open. As much as I don’t wish for it, there’s an inner voice that tells me to stop brooding and let myself adrift for change to take me along. It certainly took me time to conciliate myself and pacify those rumbling memories that are probably scorning at me for making space for the new ones. Life has, and is, taking away my friends with it. In spite of that, it brings  new people into my story to make up for the void left behind by the former just to turn that frown upside down, and I’m forever indebted to the fates for that. I don’t think I have to be, but we won’t ponder over that.

This is how one survives life’s gut-wrenching twists. If you keep lingering in the past, you aren’t really living because you aren’t turning the pages of your book to live the adventure.  Moreover, a true survivor is the one who has finally made peace with life’s brevity. That’s my opinion. Yours could differ.

Change may have changed the relationship over time, but if there’s one thing it couldn’t, it’s my compassion. If we run into each other in a busy street at some point in our lives, it wouldn’t feel like how it always did, but this notable difference is only acting as a detour  in our lives which may or may not be that thrilling. I’m never too far gone. You’ll always find me lurking around the corners if you ever need me, and once you give me the signal, I’ll always be there to pull you in with my arms. Then, we could clank the cobblestones with our high-heels and revel in our companionship for each other,hand in hand, until the Sun goes down and we call it a night.

 

Relationships and Conflicts

He let his bag drop on the floor and plopped down on a sofa. The last thing he wanted to hear was his wife’s rambling, but here he was listening to her periodic babbles, although he didn’t want to. Sweat trickled down his forehead and he heaved a sigh of anguish. How he wished for it to stop. Even after all these years, times hasn’t lessened their usual conflicts. He wondered what his two kids might be going through. The teenage daughter locked herself up in her room and cranked the volume of the stereo. She was listening to the usual punk-rock music. That was a good way of draining the unwanted things out. The son, on the other hand, was with his mother, persuading her to stop bringing about chaos. Unlike the daughter, he was quite mature for his age. He was five years younger than the girl and seemed to genuinely care for the rift between his parents. The father wouldn’t blame his daughter either. She has been around for longer than her brother and has witnessed things far worse than this. He pitied her and that’s what he could do-to sit and feel sorry for his two kids.

Every relationship starts off as a story in its own fairytale land. Love and hope adorn the land with blooming flowers and sweet scent. It’s mesmerizing and enchanting to be so indulged in that ecstatic feeling. You’d never want it to end and you’d wish it to be this perfect as long as you’re around, but that’s only a utopian feeling. Things wane. The same love which was so alluring turns out be an utter drab with time. I always think of love as a rose-its beauty irresistible when young, but dreary when withered. However, there’s a mysterious beauty in a withered rose too. You would be able to see it, if you want to see it.

Some people just choose to stick together no matter what happens. They are so adamant that they will struggle to see the happiness in bleak times even if it stabs them every time.

“Honey! The tea is ready.”, he called out from the kitchen.
You have your tea. I don’t want it.”, the wife replied terse.
“I made it especially for you! Just the way you want it! C’mon now, don’t let out your anger on tea. We all need a break here.”
“If you think this is going to make me feel any better Josh then forget it. You can’t make up to me with TEA.”
“Think as you please. Have your tea first.”
The wife took her cup tight-lipped. Josh watched her drink her tea. She cast him a stern glance. He shot a goofy smile.
“It’s okay.”, she said.
“I’m glad you like it!”
“I never said I like it, did I?.”
“Eighteen years Nat. You think I can’t see beneath that serious face you’re trying so hard to keep?”
Natalie smiled. She would bellow all sorts of nonsensical stuffs that came into her mind. Accuse Josh of things he never did, and all because she was frustrated. The wife wanted to get out of this place that gave her nothing but a boring life. She wanted to be free and this intense desire would switch on the tantrum key every month.
She knew that Josh was working strenuously to keep the family of four as happy as he could, but his efforts were in vain. She wasn’t satisfied at all. It wasn’t his fault either. Some people have huge expectations no matter the situation.
Meanwhile, the daughter peeked into the room and smiled to herself. She was finally relieved that they weren’t arguing any more and were having their tea together. The house, somehow, felt more cosy and serene when her mom and dad were at peace with each other. If only, if only they wouldn’t clash so much. They were a perfect couple. Despite all these years of turmoil and arguments, they continued to be each other’s backbone, where can you find a love like that in this seemingly hopeless World? As much as Via pretended she didn’t care, the thoughts of her parents’ rift always occupied her mind. She just couldn’t stand and witness the scene of bitter conflict unfold before her. That’s why she’d retire to her room and try her best to dwell on things outside the fight.

No matter what you do, there are people who are never content with your work. I remember bagging the first prize in an essay competition (I don’t mean to brag here. Honestly) and thought to myself  how proud my mother would be. Writing an essay on Bill Gates was a mind-racking job. Moreover, I was very happy with that feat. However, mother dismissed it as something ordinary. Was I furious at her for this? Of course not! It was expected because what means the whole World to you may be a tiny speck of dust in this vast expanse of the Universe to someone else. It’s the same differing perceptions that develop a chasm between people.

Josh thought the family was content with whatever they had. In fact, he was getting them everything they asked for and couldn’t see what they were lacking. He failed to see what Natalie truly wanted because he was so absorbed in his own perceptions and beliefs that neither could he feel nor see the wife’s growing angst which eventually led her to take the form of a vicious dragon. Ouch.

Love is not just about sticking to each other and scraping yourselves in the process. It’s about understanding one another even when the situation seems like a dead-end. People change and so do their expectations. Why does Via think her mother and father are a perfect couple? It could be because despite the arguments and bitter fights, they still took the time to comprehend each other’s problems. No matter how irrational or illogical the feud was, they took the time to sort things out once the fiery storm quelled.

Sometimes, people just choose to let things go probably because that’s what’s best for them. Staying together and slitting each other’s throats often is definitely not an appealing option. In the end, it all depends on people’s choices. If Josh and Natalie want to stay together despite all that, it’s their choice. If  another couple decides to put a period to their relationship, that’s their choice. What’s essential is a consensus and an understanding. No love is above all and all love is above all. GET IT?! It only means that a particular form of love isn’t above other forms of love because love is technically the same thing, but seemingly different forms of love  are above other kinds of feelings. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Natalie and Josh walked into the hall to find their two kids playing Star Wars. They seemed so happy while jumping around and swinging their arms about to kill those evil droids.
Hey Kiddos! Your mum and I have decided to go to a park. Switch it off and hup-hup!”, Josh said. He’d always say ‘hup-hup’ for ‘come along’ and Via always found it rather silly. She giggled.
“All right, dad. Just give me a few seconds to change into a better tee.”
Soon enough, the lights in the house turned off and the door shut behind Josh. It was a pleasant night to take a stroll in the park indeed.

*I’m not a relationship pundit. I kinda found it necessary to mention that.

The Twisty-Knotty Love

I sat down to alleviate the stress that was building up inside my anatomical cauldron. At some point of time, I may have mixed the ingredients in a wrong proportion and the potion of despondency that came out of it wasn’t doing me any good. I was on my knees begging for tranquillity at  the nadir when I fell from the airy  and mellifluous zenith of love. It happens. Not everything is as smooth as a frictionless plane. ‘Tis the real World lassie! Buckle up for the free-fall once in a while.

My fingers found their way to a new Chrome tab and eventually Facebook. Oh, the good ole social media! The same social media that has given me everything that I never wanted and regrets upon regrets, but I still found refuge in Mr.FB. Sometimes, there’s good in bad. Social media is like the Yin and Yang.

Lo and Behold! A notification? A new message it was and I click on it.

“People say love yourself before you love anyone else. But what happens when loving someone else becomes the thing you love most about yourself.
 
-reenad
 
What do u think?”, It read. 
The ever adventurous mind wandered away in search of what love is, all the while I was sitting on my constant chair (which probably has an impression of my butt) and staring at the screen with eyes wide open. It felt like I was awakened from a trance. The head which once hurt now seemed to have gone for a respite. Interesting. She got my attention.
“it’s cool
 
if loving that person is something you love about yourself then that statement does become pretty useless”, I text back still pondering. 
“That’s the point you learn to love urself loving someone else”, she says.
“but what if loving someone else does nothing but hurt you
 
it’s not always you learn to love yourself by loving someone else”, I reply and found myself a bit disoriented.
 
“Not always
 
It was not a general statement
 
It was just a particular case”.
“yeah
 

cuz loving someone comes at a great cost”.

 

This was something I did not want to type. This was something I refrained from thinking because the wounds are still fresh and I’ve been trying, very strenuously, to contain the disappointment that comes with love for the past few days. Did I always have to spill a darker shade of hue just to make things seem less magical than they are?

However, everything comes at a great cost, doesn’t it? They all have their own side-effects. So, I didn’t stop there.

“Like?”, she says. I expected that and I knew where this was going.
 This wasn’t the first time me and Reenad had a constructive discussion on a facet of life. Sometimes, it’d get so philosophical that it would make me wonder why I am not pursuing a degree in metaphysics. These discussions would make us stumble upon unbeknownst revelations by rummaging too hard in the rubble of buried information. People may either agree or disagree with the ideas, but they are all just that-wondering at the edges of existentialism.
Most of the time, it’d just drive me bonkers. I will admit that, but it never hindered my urge to sit and have one with her.
I finally reply, “with love comes uncertainty and anxiety and angst and sadness and hope and happy and yeah your own version of paradise
 
sometimes love also means letting go of someone just to watch out for them and love them from the shadows”
“Hmm
 
True”.
“even if you don’t want to do it even though it’s horrible even though it breaks you from within you just have to d o it
 
cuz you know that’s better for both of you
 
love also comes with sacrifices”.
“True”.
“sometimes you have to let go of something whether you like it or not
 
just to sustain that relationship”, I utter. I found myself typing whatever I was feeling at that moment. 
“Exactly because love is the other PEROSN lap pines o ER urs”, and the good old typo strikes back. I missed you typo, but you weren’t wanted here. It was going  great without you.
“lap pines o ER urs what xD”. Hey! I, honestly, couldn’t comprehend what that meant.
“Persons happiness over yours *”, she corrects herself. 
“and sometimes love comes with strife to make both ends meet
 
it wears you off from within it’s exhausting you get sick of it all but you’re an adamant person so you don’t let go”, I  text back. 
“Sometimes holding onto SOEMTHING hurts more than letting go”.
 
“and that’s why loving someone is essentially a choice
 
it’s a very thin thread-like shimmering bond of choice between two lovers
 

you choose to leave bam it snaps”. I wondered then, after saying that, if I’d ever leave even if I could. She was right. Sometimes, holding onto something does hurt more than letting go and I could just let go, but was I ready for that yet? Will it promise me the contentment and peace I desperately want?

Maybe. Maybe it will get rid of the growing angst and frustration, and maybe it will turn out to be one of my regrets. The stack of regrets is already piling up and here I am standing right below it. If I add one more to it, the stack is going to come down crumbling and there is no way I want to be buried in that stash.

“True”, she replies.
 
“i guess yeah”.
 
“Leaving someone is a choice
 
You wake up every morning”
She stopped typing for a while, probably waiting for my response.“you were typing :)”, I say.
“And decide I love this person”. Maybe, but it sounded a bit drastic to my ears.
“and you don’t decide just like that…..you ponder you check once or twice and again and again if the person is really the one and if you’re ready to give it all to keep the bond intact
 
when you feel that you’re ready to sacrifice anything just to be with that person and go to great lengths to sustain it you know you’re in love”, I reply.
“True
 
Very true
 
When nothing makes sense without that person you’re in love”.
“i remember reading this one article where a guy threw himself in front of his girlfriend to protect her from the bomb….
 
blast
 
i think it was on bbc
 
i remember reading an article where a girl pushed her best friend aside from the oncoming vehicle and that girl died the best friend survived….
 
and ever since then the best friend set out to do stuffs that would make her cross out stuffs from the girl’s bucket list
 
that’s love
 
i know a couple who seem incompatible to the rest of the world and aren’t happy in each other’s presence most of the time but there’s still the glimmering light of love in their eyes that flicker in their old eyes hasn’t died yet
 
love gives them hope
 
that’s just love
 

love is a beautiful feeling isn’t it?”. 

In that moment, I smiled. Saying all that about love somehow made me feel a bit lighter. The same love that could torment a person’s soul within can make the same person feel as light as a feather and put a smile on their face. It felt like I was being drifted away by the soaring birds in the morning sky. For the first time in a few days, a hope rekindled within me.

“It is”, she says.
 
“it’s dark and mysterious too
 
whatever it is….”
 
“And when u can do anything or that person when u read these things and u know inside ur heart you would jump in front of a bus to save ur person
 
You know it’s love
 
When just thinking about them makes u smile it’s love”.
 
“….i hope in the future i’m privileged to love and to be loved….i already am honored to love tbh”
 

She reassures me by saying, “You will be ❤”,

 

Will I? I will leave it to the wicked fates above, but love is such a perplexing concept.

The same love which can dunk a person in sadness can send the butterflies rioting within. The same love which can make a person feel hopeless can fill the person with a new ray of pure bliss. The same love which can make a person feel frustrated can bestow upon a person the courage to keep going on. The same love which can drive a person insane can keep the person sane. The same love which can deepen the understanding between two people can rouse misunderstandings between them. The same love which can make something hard to let go can compel one to let go. The same love which is toxic is also a tonic.

Love is peculiar, and that is why it’s so beautiful. There’s something intriguing and stimulating in anything mysterious. It tickles your senses and the air is filled with giggles and laughter, it also shuts down all your senses and there is an air of desolation all around. Love does that. Love stops at nothing. It’s twisted and puzzling.Yet again, it’s all worth it.