Unravelling the Seams

Sheets of snow crunch under my boots. The winter shiver makes me light a cigarette. Random wanderings lead me to think about all the broken promises inside my chest. My patience withered into a haggard ship. There’s no sailor to manoeuvre this abandoned fleet. You’ve sunk deeper and deeper into the cold dark waters. My heart had place for two, and you knew. I am to you how Rose was to Jack. If only you knew that you’re all that I ever wanted.
There’s nothing around me but endless white. No home, no civilisation, no stars above. The sky is an early morning hue, while my fingers are an evening blue. Frosty wind freezes my body. There’s nothing to kill the already polar heart.
Your lips tingle the nape of my neck. Fiery, desperate, in want of love. The ravenous passion warms my soul amidst all the bitter biting depressing cold. I reminisce your sweet talks, the now sapped attention, and the smile that’d linger on your full lips. I giggle thinking about your dishevelled hair, your cherry lips coated with my lipstick. There’s nothing more I want than pressing my mouth against yours with our tongues intertwined and making their own sweet love. It’s all that I think about because you gave me none of it. The kisses I craved have drowned along with you.
In a time where a text can end it all, let’s just be friends sunk my titanic of dreams. Let that iceberg be damned, it cut my soul into two-one stayed behind, the other walked away with you.

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Run boy run, bask in your glory. You played my love like a video game and rage-quit my longing. I am the Empress from the tarot you picked in the carnival. I’ll come at you like a siren and have my heart whipped with your ardour.
The coffee I brew isn’t the same. My garden now green isn’t the same. I now see red campions growing in the lane and my father is baking a cake. The house is filled with an air that I can finally breathe in after my restrain.
If only I could reach out to you one last time to thank you for giving me a chance, a chance at a new life that croons in my ears and puts me in a trance. I want to embrace you lovingly one last time to turn that semi-colon into a period. I don’t love you anymore. That’s all there is for you to know.

A Bedtime Story

Ah, you haven’t fallen asleep yet?
No, mama. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.
Why not? What happened?
She’s leaving for another school tomorrow and- her plump pale face turns a lighter shade of pink and she starts crying.
Oh! Ardita. Don’t you cry, love. Want me to tell you a story?
Yeah. But, I want a happy ending. The other night, you told me about a mama pigeon which lost its babies, and it was so sad! Tears well up in her shiny big eyes and she clutches her plushy baby elephant, Alfie, giving it a firm hug and caresses its back with her tear-stricken cheek.
Tell me a lovely sweet one, like how Aunt Colourful tells me, she whimpers. 
Hmm. A happy story, you say? Do you remember Aunt Colourful’s little tale about a red balloon and an orange balloon?
Ahan! Her face lights up with a tint of excitement and she sniffles. The red balloon was an unhappy balloon because no balloon in the balloon land wanted to be his balloon friend. But, one day, an orange balloon goes to him and says Hello, Mr.Red Balloon! How do you do? and Mr.Red Balloon was veyiee suprised because no one EVER talked to him. The other balloons were suprised too because orange balloon was a beautiful orange balloon and the red balloon was a wei-yed balloon. Soon, both the balloons became veyiee good friends. One day, the red balloon asked her Why do you want to be my friend? and she says Because you love me and he asks Do you love me? and she says Yes. That’s why I am your friend. They both float away in the light blue sky happily ever after. The red balloon was once again veyiee happy. She looks at her mother with those glistening protuberant eyes and takes in a deep breath. Her lips start quivering. I-I miss Aunt Colourful, mommy.
She promised you that she will be back soon, didn’t she? I will make you talk to her first thing in the morning, okay?
Thank you, mama.
That’s a delightful story, honey. I’ll let you stay back at home tomorrow, but you’re going to have to listen to my sad and happy story  without any interruptions. Is that all right?
Inta-ruptions?
Int-er-ruptions.
Intuh-ruptions. What does  it mean?
It means a break.
Ahan.
It also means you will not stop me in the midst of my storytelling time.
Whaaaaaa?
While I’m telling you the story, honey.
Oohh! Yeah. I get it, mommy. I promise me won’t Inteh-rupt you. She flashes her white teeth and rests her head on the pillow.
There, there. Let me tuck you up in your blanket. Look! You’re a burrito Ardita now!
Ardita giggles.
ARE YOU READY PILOT ARDIE?
Yes Cap’n! I’m ready for the take-off!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE TURBULENCES PILOT?
Yes Cap’n! I’m ready for the rock n roll!
Then off we go on another great escapade!
Mama? 
Yes honey?
I’m thirsty.
All right. Stay put. I’ll get you a glass of water.
No, mama. I will get it myself.
But you are all rolled up in your blankie! I will be back in a jiffy.
Mommy?
Yes?
I’m not thirsty.
What?
Just stay here with me and tell me the story, mama, She pleads.
Ardita, don’t be silly. I’ll be right back and you wait right here. The mother hurries away to fetch a glass of water and soon returns.
I love you, mama, She whispers before gulping down the water.
Something’s the matter Ardie, and you will not tell me what it is! What’s bothering you sweety? You’ve been acting so strange lately!
Ardita puts the glass aside and lies down on her bed. The mother tucks her up in her blanket again. The story, mummy.
She sighs. Yeah. The story.
Yep!
Once upon a time, lil Ardie, there was a young boy named Obedient. He was called so because he always listened to his mother and father. There was never a time when he mistreated them, didn’t listen to them, or shouted back at them no matter how much they scolded or scorned at him for doing something naughty. Even the most obedient kids have a playful side to them, don’t they Ardie?
Yes, mama! One time, Cooper squirr-ted pink paint all over Lionel’s face because Lionel wouldn’t stop teasing Cooper by calling him a girl because Cooper likes pink. Cooper became very angry and painted Lionel’s face pink, mama. She sniggers. Cooper is a very kind boy, but Lionel wasn’t being very good with him and that’s why he did it! But the home-room teacher gave Cooper a detention because he was being naughty. It wasn’t Cooper’s fault at all, mama!
Oh, Ardie. That’s terrible! But you must know that life, my dear, is not always fair with people. It will make you angry. It will make you want to bellow-
Bellow? THAT IS SUCH A LOVELY WORD!
Hush child! You’re too loud!
Sowie, mama! But what does it mean? She mutters softly.
It means to shout.
Oh! Okay. What does it make you want to bell-low?
It makes you want to bellow WHY ME LIFE? I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SUCH A GOOD GIRL! WHY MUST YOU BE SO MEAN TO ME?
Ardita titters at her mother’s agitated actions.
But that makes you stronger, Ardie. No matter how unfair it is to you, if you keep getting up every time life pushes you down saying Nah Nah Ardie! You’re weak, you’re miserable, you’re petty, it will make you stronger and powerful.
Life was never fair with Obedient, Ardie. He was always chastised, or scolded, by his father. The father was a very very grumpy man because he had to look after his big family and for that he had to work extremely hard in the scorching heat so that his family could live a comfortable life. He always returned home tired and whenever his kids did something stupid, he’d get angry because he wasn’t getting his much needed rest! Nonetheless Ardie, the father loved his family immensely.
Obedient had two elder brothers and two younger sisters. So you see, it was a big family, wasn’t it?
Yep!
One fine day, one fine shining shimmering day, when the Sun was gleeful and enjoying-
GLEEFUL!
Yes, Ardie.
Does it mean happy?
You’re a smart kiddo, aren’t you?
YES I AM! She smiles. Go on, mommy.
Ah! Yes. So, that day, the Sun was very happy and seemed like it was enjoying the view of people hustling and bustling about and little kids rolling in the mud filling the air with their shrill laughter. It was a beautiful day, Ardie, and that day, Obedient’s family decided to go to another city by train.
Soon, they boarded the train and after what seemed like a century! The train finally left the station, choo choo! Ardita grins.
Obedient loved  choo choo trains, lil Ardie. Every time he sat in one, he felt like he was racing against everything and anything outside. The humongous tress, the tiny shrubs, the wide hills, and the bright Sun, he’d whiz past them like a Superman! And even the mighty roaring wind that beat against his face would say No Obedient! I’m faster than you! You can’t beat me in this race! But our Obedient would smile and say O sturdy wind! I will not falter at your mightiness! I will zoom and vroooooom towards the finish line, and you can never stop me wind! Now, watch me get to the finish line!
Did he win, mama?
He never won, Ardie. Nature always beat him to it. He’d get to the finish line all right, but the Sun would be there already, the trees and the wind too! He never gave up though. He would enjoy every single bit of the race and its thrill whenever he travelled  by train.
The city was quite far away from his town, Ardie. It was a very long journey and as night dawned all the passengers in the choo choo train fell asleep, except our dear lil Obedient. He was wide awake and stared at the window for a long long time. The voice of the train was peaceful. He wanted to sleep, but he kept his eyes peeled because he wanted to listen to the sound of the train as it drove forth on the railway tracks. He even pressed his ear against the floor of his compartment and woke his father up. What is it child? The father asked. Where is that sound coming from, papa? Obedient asked. Ah, it’s from the engine Obedient. The train’s engine is underneath you.
Really, papa? he asked astonished. That is so amazing, papa! I love listening to the sound it makes!
Oh! You foolish child. Do you believe me for everything I utter?
Yes papa, I do.
Then don’t, Obedient
. You mustn’t believe everyone for everything they say.
But, why not papa?
Sleep, child. We’ll reach the station soon, the father says and soon starts snoring. 
The mother makes low grunting noises and Ardita laughs.
Mama? Why does the father say that?
Because he was joking, Ardie, and he did not want Obedient to be so naive and believe everything that was told to him, the good things as well as the bad things. But, that doesn’t mean you must stop believing everything, Ardie. It means you have to be smart enough to see through the lie.
How, mama? How can I be smart?
You’ll learn that soon love. Obedient was smart. He knew that all the harsh things the father told him whenever Obedient climbed his neighbours’ trees to steal some mangoes, or read a book in the company of dark, or break the neighbours’ window while playing cricket, he knew his father never meant any of it and he’d scold him because he cared for his child and didn’t want anything bad happening to him.
Obedient knew all of it and he quickly drifted away to his dreamland with a smile.
Years passed by and our lil Obedient grew up to be a handsome young man. He moved to another city, far away from his home, to study in a college.
I WANT TO GROW UP AND GO TO COLLEGE MAMA! Ardita squeals excitedly.
The mother smiles. You will, Ardie. 12 years seems like a very long time, but time certainly does fly by quickly!
One day, he decided to pay a visit to his old mother and father. He missed his mother dearly. Obedient was the only one among his siblings who’d go out and buy all the groceries. He’d sit beside her and clean the vegetables. He’d watch her cook from afar and help her with all the daily chores. His lovely mother would even save some extra chicken curry for her beloved son because he loved her curry so much! She was a beautiful, poised and a very graceful woman, Ardie. All the good manners and good thoughts that Obedient imbibed, I mean learned, were from her. She once told Obedient that one must never be mean to anyone because we all, in the end, seek kindness and love, Ardie.
Even a big bully like Lionel, mama?
Even him Ardie. He’s still shrouded, or covered, by the dark to see that there are people who love him for the good person he is and not for the bad boy mask he wears.
You think he’s acting?
We all have different characters within us that surface in different situations. They are all tied to the Oh-so-many! emotions we harbour.
Hmm…. Cooper and I will say sorry to him, mama. It wasn’t that nice of us.
 What did you do Ardita?
I laughed at him and called him Porky the pig. I feel so terrible now! She closes her eyes and exhales slowly. That’s the first thing I’ll do once I reach school-apologize.
The mother ruffles her hair. It all takes time, Ardita. It takes time to put things in their places.
Yeah. It takes a lot of time to put my toys back in their proper places. I don’t like cleaning my room because it is so boring!
Then you shouldn’t create much mess in your room love. When there is less clutter, you have less things to sort out.
But I have so much fun while playing that I forget that I’m making a mess mommy!
Ah! It happens to all of us here, doesn’t it? We lose ourselves in doing something, we forget the consequences it brings in its wake.
Ma, what happens next?
Oh yes! The story! Ah. Yeah. So, where was I? I’ve forgotten where I stopped….
You were telling me about Obedient’s mother and how much they loved each other.
Did I tell you he decides to pay them a visit?
Yep!
Aha! So, Obedient booked for a train ticket and the day for his long journey finally arrived. He didn’t call his mother up to tell her that he had already left for the station because he was going to see her the next day anyway. However, during the train ride, Ardie, Obedient gets a call from his eldest brother. He told Obedient that their mother….
MOMMY! NO! PLEASE DON’T TELL ME WHAT I THINK IT IS! Mommy no she didn’t….she didn’t…. Ardita covers her eyes with her palms and tears roll across her face. No! No! No! No! I want a happy ending mommy. YOU MAKE ME CRY ALL THE TIME! YOU ALWAYS DO! YOU NEVER TELL ME HAPPY STORIES LIKE AUNT COLOURFUL!
Ardita?
You always do. She sniffles. You always make me cry.
The mother stiffens and stares at her daughter.
I saw you and daddy fight last night. I-I-I wasn’t sleeping then. It was so horrible. You made daddy cry. You make everyone EVERYONE CRY. She screams.
I-I’m so sorry you had to see all that, baby. She whispers and tucks a lock of Ardita’s hair behind her ear with her quivering fingers. I promise that will never happen again. She breaks down sobbing.
Mama! I’m sowie. I’m sowie. I’m so sowie. Please don’ cry. She wipes her tears with her little palms and hugs her mother. You won’t leave me and daddy, will you?
Never, Ardie. She says and kisses Ardita’s head. I’m always here beautiful. I’m always by your side. Do you want to sleep with me and daddy tonight?
Mmm. She nods her head.
We can watch Inside Out too, if you’d like.
But daddy is already asleep!
He’d love to watch a movie with you.
Won’t he get mad, mummy?
Well, he’s not Obedient’s dad, is he? Lil Ardie’s dad is always excited about watching a movie with his daughter, even if he’s awoken from a deep slumber. Let’s hop out of the bed and shake your snoring daddy awake.
But you’ll have to finish your story before that, mama.
Do you want me to?
Yep.
All right! Obedient was devastated, Ardie. He had a chance to talk to her one last time, but it slipped through his fingers and thereafter, he never could hear his mother’s voice, or see her cook, or taste her food, or feel her touch. She passed away before she could see her precious son. The mother looked forward to meet him, Ardie. But death arrived at the scene all too soon.
Ardita’s eyes glisten with tears.
Obedient was grief-stricken for many years. He had friends. He married a beautiful clever woman and had a lovely daughter whom he loved very much. He’d tell her stories about his childhood, his mischiefs, his mother and father. Every time Obedient talked about his mother, the memories that resurfaced in his head would make him cry. His daughter would cry along with him too because she longed to meet her wonderful grandmother.
He soon realized though that it was time for him to move on. His mother would have never wished for him to feel such pain and sorrow.
Obedient remembered his little daughter on a swing. He remembered how she always pleaded with him to push her high up into the air. Once more, daddy! Once more! She’d say. But one day, he saw her pushing herself to and fro and go up up UP into the air and laugh with delight. Obedient soon realized that he had to push himself too to move on from his
sadness.
Did he, mama?
 Many a time he was thrown backward, but he always gathered the strength to push himself forward. Sometimes, his wife would, and sometimes his daughter. But in the end he’d strive and he was always happy despite all the hard times. And whenever he was unhappy, he’d watch a lot of train videos and remember all the good times he had in trains. Obedient and his family lived happily ever after.
I miss Grandpa.
Me too, honey.
Obedient’s grandpa, isn’t he?
What makes you say that? She asks astonished.
Because grandpa told me lots of train stories.
Oh! Is that so?
Yup! He told me that those stories were a secret and that’s why I never told you. Don’t tell him mummy, this is our secret. Okay?
The mother laughs. All right, all right. You can count on me Pilot Ardie! Now let’s go to bed. It’s too late already.
WHAT ABOUT INSIDE OUT?!
Ardie, I’m sleepy!
MOM YOU PROMISED!
“What’s going on in there?”, I say as I open the door wholly.
DADDY! Ardita exclaims and rushes toward me, taking me in for a tight hug.
“Ow! Ardie! You’re too strong for me and my bones are cracking!” She chuckles. “Besides, I’m not sleepy at all. I bid Mr.Sleepy Sleepy good bye and wished him good night so that we can watch a movie together. Inside out, did you say?” May raises one of her eyebrows and looks at me suspiciously.Oh yeah! I wasn’t supposed to know that! I bite my tongue at my idiocy. Way to go Parker! You just blew your own cover.
May finally gets up from the bed and says Well, I can’t say no to that now. This is going to be a long night.
Ardita runs toward the living room and I stand there staring at my wife. I smile. “It’s going to be a memorable night May. I promise.” She gives a weary smile and says Wanna hug it out, chump?
“Chump, eh?” And I go for it, leaving all that had happened last night behind.






mother_and_daughter_by_kyrie0201-d63li51

(Source: click on me!)






 

 

Childhood

Friends and Change

It’s hard not to fret over unwanted changes because you’re absolutely content with this moment. Those furrowed eyebrows, beads of sweat kneading your forehead, bouts of anxiety that accompany the slightest contemplation of something and finally a panic attack unleashed in its full glory. They’re all few symptoms of your resolute no to life’s mysterious plans that plays along by rolling its dice. Sometimes, you wish your mind had a sturdy armour to deflect these pointed strikes carried out by fear. Unfortunately, for almost all of us who aren’t ready to step into a foreign land yet, it’s not possible to hinder despair or anguish. Everything comes at a great cost. For what you gain, you lose something. For all the grandeur you’re showered with, know that there’s downfall awaiting. With happiness comes equal amount of sadness. That’s how life levels itself. It always tries to play fair. However, we let ourselves ingrain specific moments into our heads that either inflict too much misery or keep us high with ecstasy. Well, that’s how I think it is.

I see how I’m drifting away from the people I love. No matter how hard I try, the currents of change are too strong for me to reach out to them. I lash out at transience, beat about and kick my legs around just so  it can let me out of its tight and suffocating grasp. If these are the consequences I have to bear for moving along with this wretched entity, I’d rather perish to stillness than witness the loss of what I cherish. But, change is inevitable, and immobility impossible until it finally chooses to take me along with it. How will I fight against this then? I don’t. In fact, no one can. It’s just not  possible to overcome the hold change has upon us.

You may ask, ” Well, if it causes you this great a misery, then why don’t you stop emotionally investing in people?” Don’t you think I tried? Snipping off all kinds of ties from people and dwelling in a shack all to myself surrounded by solitude was the first thought that crossed my doleful mind. I hardened my heart into a rock and put up a mask of intolerance. I thought that an act of biting coldness would sap people’s warmth and send them scurrying away, far away from my presence. In the end, the rock ended up weathering due to the strong forces of people around me. Like it or not, life is hell-bent upon moulding and morphing you into a new character every day by adding a new twist to your story as you proceed. You can’t see anyone more stubborn than life.

Even people whose faces are marked with a noticeable indifference aren’t that impassive toward others. They may not feel those pangs of emotions just as much as you do, but everyone has their own weaknesses  and nature always has something in store to send a ripple of feelings in every one of us. Some people just happen to have mastered the act of concealing things and pouring forth the troubles in dark with the four walls bearing witness. Change has that ability- to make a person worth the splendour or completely wear one out from within. It doesn’t matter if you’re a loner or a social butterfly. We’re all victims to reformation. There’s no running away from this one.

Whatever it is, I welcome it with my arms wide open. As much as I don’t wish for it, there’s an inner voice that tells me to stop brooding and let myself adrift for change to take me along. It certainly took me time to conciliate myself and pacify those rumbling memories that are probably scorning at me for making space for the new ones. Life has, and is, taking away my friends with it. In spite of that, it brings  new people into my story to make up for the void left behind by the former just to turn that frown upside down, and I’m forever indebted to the fates for that. I don’t think I have to be, but we won’t ponder over that.

This is how one survives life’s gut-wrenching twists. If you keep lingering in the past, you aren’t really living because you aren’t turning the pages of your book to live the adventure.  Moreover, a true survivor is the one who has finally made peace with life’s brevity. That’s my opinion. Yours could differ.

Change may have changed the relationship over time, but if there’s one thing it couldn’t, it’s my compassion. If we run into each other in a busy street at some point in our lives, it wouldn’t feel like how it always did, but this notable difference is only acting as a detour  in our lives which may or may not be that thrilling. I’m never too far gone. You’ll always find me lurking around the corners if you ever need me, and once you give me the signal, I’ll always be there to pull you in with my arms. Then, we could clank the cobblestones with our high-heels and revel in our companionship for each other,hand in hand, until the Sun goes down and we call it a night.

 

Relationships and Conflicts

He let his bag drop on the floor and plopped down on a sofa. The last thing he wanted to hear was his wife’s rambling, but here he was listening to her periodic babbles, although he didn’t want to. Sweat trickled down his forehead and he heaved a sigh of anguish. How he wished for it to stop. Even after all these years, times hasn’t lessened their usual conflicts. He wondered what his two kids might be going through. The teenage daughter locked herself up in her room and cranked the volume of the stereo. She was listening to the usual punk-rock music. That was a good way of draining the unwanted things out. The son, on the other hand, was with his mother, persuading her to stop bringing about chaos. Unlike the daughter, he was quite mature for his age. He was five years younger than the girl and seemed to genuinely care for the rift between his parents. The father wouldn’t blame his daughter either. She has been around for longer than her brother and has witnessed things far worse than this. He pitied her and that’s what he could do-to sit and feel sorry for his two kids.

Every relationship starts off as a story in its own fairytale land. Love and hope adorn the land with blooming flowers and sweet scent. It’s mesmerizing and enchanting to be so indulged in that ecstatic feeling. You’d never want it to end and you’d wish it to be this perfect as long as you’re around, but that’s only a utopian feeling. Things wane. The same love which was so alluring turns out be an utter drab with time. I always think of love as a rose-its beauty irresistible when young, but dreary when withered. However, there’s a mysterious beauty in a withered rose too. You would be able to see it, if you want to see it.

Some people just choose to stick together no matter what happens. They are so adamant that they will struggle to see the happiness in bleak times even if it stabs them every time.

“Honey! The tea is ready.”, he called out from the kitchen.
You have your tea. I don’t want it.”, the wife replied terse.
“I made it especially for you! Just the way you want it! C’mon now, don’t let out your anger on tea. We all need a break here.”
“If you think this is going to make me feel any better Josh then forget it. You can’t make up to me with TEA.”
“Think as you please. Have your tea first.”
The wife took her cup tight-lipped. Josh watched her drink her tea. She cast him a stern glance. He shot a goofy smile.
“It’s okay.”, she said.
“I’m glad you like it!”
“I never said I like it, did I?.”
“Eighteen years Nat. You think I can’t see beneath that serious face you’re trying so hard to keep?”
Natalie smiled. She would bellow all sorts of nonsensical stuffs that came into her mind. Accuse Josh of things he never did, and all because she was frustrated. The wife wanted to get out of this place that gave her nothing but a boring life. She wanted to be free and this intense desire would switch on the tantrum key every month.
She knew that Josh was working strenuously to keep the family of four as happy as he could, but his efforts were in vain. She wasn’t satisfied at all. It wasn’t his fault either. Some people have huge expectations no matter the situation.
Meanwhile, the daughter peeked into the room and smiled to herself. She was finally relieved that they weren’t arguing any more and were having their tea together. The house, somehow, felt more cosy and serene when her mom and dad were at peace with each other. If only, if only they wouldn’t clash so much. They were a perfect couple. Despite all these years of turmoil and arguments, they continued to be each other’s backbone, where can you find a love like that in this seemingly hopeless World? As much as Via pretended she didn’t care, the thoughts of her parents’ rift always occupied her mind. She just couldn’t stand and witness the scene of bitter conflict unfold before her. That’s why she’d retire to her room and try her best to dwell on things outside the fight.

No matter what you do, there are people who are never content with your work. I remember bagging the first prize in an essay competition (I don’t mean to brag here. Honestly) and thought to myself  how proud my mother would be. Writing an essay on Bill Gates was a mind-racking job. Moreover, I was very happy with that feat. However, mother dismissed it as something ordinary. Was I furious at her for this? Of course not! It was expected because what means the whole World to you may be a tiny speck of dust in this vast expanse of the Universe to someone else. It’s the same differing perceptions that develop a chasm between people.

Josh thought the family was content with whatever they had. In fact, he was getting them everything they asked for and couldn’t see what they were lacking. He failed to see what Natalie truly wanted because he was so absorbed in his own perceptions and beliefs that neither could he feel nor see the wife’s growing angst which eventually led her to take the form of a vicious dragon. Ouch.

Love is not just about sticking to each other and scraping yourselves in the process. It’s about understanding one another even when the situation seems like a dead-end. People change and so do their expectations. Why does Via think her mother and father are a perfect couple? It could be because despite the arguments and bitter fights, they still took the time to comprehend each other’s problems. No matter how irrational or illogical the feud was, they took the time to sort things out once the fiery storm quelled.

Sometimes, people just choose to let things go probably because that’s what’s best for them. Staying together and slitting each other’s throats often is definitely not an appealing option. In the end, it all depends on people’s choices. If Josh and Natalie want to stay together despite all that, it’s their choice. If  another couple decides to put a period to their relationship, that’s their choice. What’s essential is a consensus and an understanding. No love is above all and all love is above all. GET IT?! It only means that a particular form of love isn’t above other forms of love because love is technically the same thing, but seemingly different forms of love  are above other kinds of feelings. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Natalie and Josh walked into the hall to find their two kids playing Star Wars. They seemed so happy while jumping around and swinging their arms about to kill those evil droids.
Hey Kiddos! Your mum and I have decided to go to a park. Switch it off and hup-hup!”, Josh said. He’d always say ‘hup-hup’ for ‘come along’ and Via always found it rather silly. She giggled.
“All right, dad. Just give me a few seconds to change into a better tee.”
Soon enough, the lights in the house turned off and the door shut behind Josh. It was a pleasant night to take a stroll in the park indeed.

*I’m not a relationship pundit. I kinda found it necessary to mention that.

Letter to the Newbie

Dear fellow human,

 

Sometimes I wish I could blurt out whatever I hold back. To tell something I truly feel is an arduous task because I can’t help but ponder about all the consequences it could lead to. It seems like a chance I clearly don’t want to risk. What will happen if I say this? Will they be vexed? Will they just shake their heads and think how incredibly ridiculous I am? It’s hard not to over think in cases I don’t want to mar.

In the end, it only leads to infuriating me because all the things that I have crammed within my head start boiling to escape from this rotten cauldron. It only ends up making me regret the things I never did which  makes my World imbibe a darker shade of grey. It’s sad and bitterly pathetic. Why should I stand back and watch the show from the sidelines? Why should I let others push me away to get the same thing they want? Why shouldn’t I grab the chance when I get it? Most importantly, why can’t I muster the courage to get what I crave?

I can’t because I don’t want to come across as someone desperate. I don’t do it because I don’t want them thinking that I’m pitiful and I have nothing better in my life. You don’t find me doing it because I feel like I’m being a hindrance in their life which may or may not be flowing without a turbulence. In short, I don’t find myself as someone who deserves the things they really want.

Why do I think this? I reproach myself for even deliberating such a painful possibility. Am I such a lowly being that I can’t approach one and tell them exactly how I feel? Why in the World do I consider myself so insignificant? I can’t blame anyone for that. However, I still thrust my annoyance on people for doing this to me which is blatantly wrong.

If I want something, I should stand up for it rather than backing off to let others swoop in and take my spot I acquired with great effort. I should stop thinking that I’m not worthy of certain relationships. I’m more than what people take me for and treat me as. If I want the respect and attention, I should work for it and not just drop on my bed to pen down tales and fables on things that affect me because they may help me ameliorate the stress that’s building up within me in that particular moment, but it’s not really a long term solution. If I want this to end once and for all, I should confront the source and let it know what’s it doing to me. I should speak up.

Speaking up is so hard. I wish it was as easy as it sounded like. This is what anxiety feels like. Being anxious about things only makes me fall behind. Anxiety is a chronic pain I desperately want to get rid of.

My heart beats wildly because I want to let it all off my chest. It gets erratic because my mind is chaotic. I could flood their timeline with posts and pictures that reflect the situation, or I could directly tell them that it’s hurting me. This feels a lot like bench pressing and trying to lift a 1000 pounds weight. I just can’t, even if I want to. I feel terribly helpless and abandoned. If there is something I always feared-it’s to be forsaken for someone new, enigmatic and fascinating.

You let them know how loneliness feels like after a few missed calls and I only let out a silent cry when I have to let go of the precious moment for you out of modesty. You bag the chance when you get it and I wait for the right time to arrive at my doorstep. You come in as you please and I come in when they please. You stride right in like a storm and I grace like the gentle summer breeze. That’s the difference between you and me. You know when to strike and I don’t. You make sure you don’t get abandoned and I do, for the other people.

Who am I to blame you for this? I wish I could hold you accountable for depriving me of the attention. My rage wants to make you feel guilty for what has become of this. This biting sadness wants to tell you of how unimportant I’ve possibly become because of you. I want to grab you by your shoulders and curse you for bringing in so much misery in this phase. The mouth only wishes to bellow all the horrendous things that come into this mind.

However, I know I won’t because I know you’re not responsible for any of this. I sit here crying and typing this not for what you did, but for what I’ve brought upon myself. You did what you had to and I didn’t what I had to. It’s as simple as it gets but extremely hard to overcome. I, honestly, dislike you for coming in between us. In spite of that, I look up to you for who you are. I don’t hate you. That’s too strong a word to describe the dislike I harbour for you. I do like you. That’s for keeping the person happy when I can’t and for the kind of person you are. You’re amazing and this awesomeness has brought me down from the altar. Sometimes, I wonder if we could be great friends. Will we? Only time can resolve this mystery.

Maybe, things haven’t changed between me and her and I could be over thinking  what’s in front of me, but it does not stop me from feeling as someone who’s been cast away because you made your grand entry in the hallway. You’d feel that too, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. We’re all similar yet so dissimilar.

I do not understand what it is that I hold for you, but I extend this hand of truce to vanquish this feeling of despair once and for all. This time, I won’t stop myself from telling you what I feel. I have only learnt that from the expert and I hope time has much more in store than what it has unveiled for both of us so far.

 

Yours Sincerely,
The one who wants back what you got away with.

Abandoned

My Best Friend

I wish writing this was as easy as writing an essay in grade 4.

My best friend is sweet. She is very caring. My best friend makes me laugh and cry, but I still love her even when she makes me cry. She is very evil. She loves pranking. We love playing and have a lot of fun when we are together. My best friend is the best in this entire World. 

Don’t worry. I am not here to deteriorate that highly developed literary mind of yours. However, whatever I did write above is all true.

Why am I writing this? It’s not like I will never see her again because this sounds a lot like a parting message for someone. Well, I won’t be seeing her again in a long time, and it does drive my brain into the streets of melancholy where there is nothing but desertion and grief. The only time my head finds its way back into the meadow of happiness is when I interact with her. On a serious note though, she does mean the World to me (sorry about the dramatic effect, but it’s true!)

Our relationship wasn’t always like the one people generally have with pizzas. It had its own crests and trenches (not as deep as the Mariana Trench though. I would never want a pitfall like that one), but we still got through it all and I am utterly privileged to have a friend like MY best friend (go away dude she’s mine).

I still remember how highly one of the teachers talked about her before she first graced the class with her presence. It had me wondering if she was really that smart as the teacher made it seem like. You may ask, is she? And I will tell you she’s an idiot like me ( a much better idiot than me though. Kidding. She’s so smart that she will leave you in a daze with her words.).

As a new student in the class, she obviously had everyone’s attention. Did you ever have a boyfriend? Where are you from? Who was your first crush? You look like one of our seniors! Hey, are you a Filipino? And there I was, lurking in the shadows and casting a sceptic glance. She seemed fine. She was cute and really chubby. She seemed like a bubbly girl who loved playing around. Little did that old me know that this amazing lass would be my best friend one day and that I would be a victim to her mischievousness.

Time flew by and our class was basically a source of chaos. There wasn’t a single moment where we wouldn’t act sane. We were the definition  of weirdo (Okay. Not all of us, but I was one of the weirdos) and naturally, the new girl was genuinely weirded out.

She was still trying to acclimatize in the new environment and we weren’t making it any easier for her. I won’t dwell much on all the memorable moments we had together as a class because I’m on the verge of an emotional outburst here, but I will tell you this-she became  one of us. She may still not admit that if you ask her, but she merged in like a chameleon. People aren’t static poles. They are ever dynamic.

Ah! The good times we had together. She may find it a little embarrassing if I write all this down on a public platform because they are the goofiest moments one could have. Her striking and charismatic persona indulging in these silly idiotic activities is something that is hard to imagine by people living outside the ring. Enter it, and you will soon realize she’s not the story she’s been telling you.

My Wonder Girl is mysterious (there is an interesting story behind why I started calling her Wonder Girl and trust me, it is very silly and nothing profound) and enigmatic. Her unpredictable and impish character contrasted with my reclusive and low-spirited character. She would always, somehow, turn on the right combinations in my brian that filled me with a zeal and impulsiveness. True to her name, she was colorful and added colors to my black and white life.

Where would I be without her? In the past few days I’ve begun to shed the skin she made me grow. You’ll find me less excited, less enthusiastic, less exuberant about anything. I wish I wouldn’t rely on her so much and I wish I could be the person she’d love to be with without her help. I wouldn’t be anywhere without her. In fact, I’d be a lost pug looking for a refuge.

I’m not a kid. I will grow out of it. Some day, I’m going to stop leaning on her shoulder which has probably weighed her down so much, but that won’t stop me from being with her.

She may live on the other side of the World and I on the other. There will be new people entering our lives and we’ll probably not talk as much as we do now. It hurts to think that. It frustrates me to think that some people will still get to be with her when I don’t-the one who desperately wants her friend’s affection-but I don’t have to be physically there to feel her presence. I know wherever  she is and wherever I am, we will always be together no matter what happens.

My best friend is beautiful. She’s the most wonderful person one can have in their lives. In fact, if she’s your friend then you’ve been honored to have her as one. I may have given her a lot of ego boost by now, but that’s just how I feel.

My only solace now lies in the future. The future may drift us apart, but the future will bring us together and converge our two distinct Worlds yet again. I will take her to the Coachella on her 24th year in this World (I still didn’t gift her a present on her 18th birthday. I’m a prick. I know.) and go to an amusement park together (maybe disneyland, but I still haven’t decided which one) and have our pillow cases printed with, “My Head is an Oil Rig”. I have big plans for her children, her grandchildren, and this means that we will live till we’re all worn out (I promised her I wouldn’t get involved in life-threatening stuffs and not get too drunk) and since she’s one year older than me, she will have to read me bed time stories. We will wile away our lazy hours by sitting on armchairs next to each other and watch our pranks unfold into their full glory on those little adorable pesky kids.

Believe it or not. She’s the only one who knows what to etch on my tombstone after I pass away. You may tell me this is nothing but a wishful thought. None can plan out the layout of the future in the present. It may not happen the way I want it to, but I will make our Worlds collide no matter what happens.

In the end, Suranjana Goswami, I just want you to know that I love you. You’ll make new buddies and all, but you will always be my me lass, and you will always be my foremost Wonder Girl. The future has only posed me a challenge that I’m ready to tackle.

I love You ❤

 

The Twisty-Knotty Love

I sat down to alleviate the stress that was building up inside my anatomical cauldron. At some point of time, I may have mixed the ingredients in a wrong proportion and the potion of despondency that came out of it wasn’t doing me any good. I was on my knees begging for tranquillity at  the nadir when I fell from the airy  and mellifluous zenith of love. It happens. Not everything is as smooth as a frictionless plane. ‘Tis the real World lassie! Buckle up for the free-fall once in a while.

My fingers found their way to a new Chrome tab and eventually Facebook. Oh, the good ole social media! The same social media that has given me everything that I never wanted and regrets upon regrets, but I still found refuge in Mr.FB. Sometimes, there’s good in bad. Social media is like the Yin and Yang.

Lo and Behold! A notification? A new message it was and I click on it.

“People say love yourself before you love anyone else. But what happens when loving someone else becomes the thing you love most about yourself.
 
-reenad
 
What do u think?”, It read. 
The ever adventurous mind wandered away in search of what love is, all the while I was sitting on my constant chair (which probably has an impression of my butt) and staring at the screen with eyes wide open. It felt like I was awakened from a trance. The head which once hurt now seemed to have gone for a respite. Interesting. She got my attention.
“it’s cool
 
if loving that person is something you love about yourself then that statement does become pretty useless”, I text back still pondering. 
“That’s the point you learn to love urself loving someone else”, she says.
“but what if loving someone else does nothing but hurt you
 
it’s not always you learn to love yourself by loving someone else”, I reply and found myself a bit disoriented.
 
“Not always
 
It was not a general statement
 
It was just a particular case”.
“yeah
 

cuz loving someone comes at a great cost”.

 

This was something I did not want to type. This was something I refrained from thinking because the wounds are still fresh and I’ve been trying, very strenuously, to contain the disappointment that comes with love for the past few days. Did I always have to spill a darker shade of hue just to make things seem less magical than they are?

However, everything comes at a great cost, doesn’t it? They all have their own side-effects. So, I didn’t stop there.

“Like?”, she says. I expected that and I knew where this was going.
 This wasn’t the first time me and Reenad had a constructive discussion on a facet of life. Sometimes, it’d get so philosophical that it would make me wonder why I am not pursuing a degree in metaphysics. These discussions would make us stumble upon unbeknownst revelations by rummaging too hard in the rubble of buried information. People may either agree or disagree with the ideas, but they are all just that-wondering at the edges of existentialism.
Most of the time, it’d just drive me bonkers. I will admit that, but it never hindered my urge to sit and have one with her.
I finally reply, “with love comes uncertainty and anxiety and angst and sadness and hope and happy and yeah your own version of paradise
 
sometimes love also means letting go of someone just to watch out for them and love them from the shadows”
“Hmm
 
True”.
“even if you don’t want to do it even though it’s horrible even though it breaks you from within you just have to d o it
 
cuz you know that’s better for both of you
 
love also comes with sacrifices”.
“True”.
“sometimes you have to let go of something whether you like it or not
 
just to sustain that relationship”, I utter. I found myself typing whatever I was feeling at that moment. 
“Exactly because love is the other PEROSN lap pines o ER urs”, and the good old typo strikes back. I missed you typo, but you weren’t wanted here. It was going  great without you.
“lap pines o ER urs what xD”. Hey! I, honestly, couldn’t comprehend what that meant.
“Persons happiness over yours *”, she corrects herself. 
“and sometimes love comes with strife to make both ends meet
 
it wears you off from within it’s exhausting you get sick of it all but you’re an adamant person so you don’t let go”, I  text back. 
“Sometimes holding onto SOEMTHING hurts more than letting go”.
 
“and that’s why loving someone is essentially a choice
 
it’s a very thin thread-like shimmering bond of choice between two lovers
 

you choose to leave bam it snaps”. I wondered then, after saying that, if I’d ever leave even if I could. She was right. Sometimes, holding onto something does hurt more than letting go and I could just let go, but was I ready for that yet? Will it promise me the contentment and peace I desperately want?

Maybe. Maybe it will get rid of the growing angst and frustration, and maybe it will turn out to be one of my regrets. The stack of regrets is already piling up and here I am standing right below it. If I add one more to it, the stack is going to come down crumbling and there is no way I want to be buried in that stash.

“True”, she replies.
 
“i guess yeah”.
 
“Leaving someone is a choice
 
You wake up every morning”
She stopped typing for a while, probably waiting for my response.“you were typing :)”, I say.
“And decide I love this person”. Maybe, but it sounded a bit drastic to my ears.
“and you don’t decide just like that…..you ponder you check once or twice and again and again if the person is really the one and if you’re ready to give it all to keep the bond intact
 
when you feel that you’re ready to sacrifice anything just to be with that person and go to great lengths to sustain it you know you’re in love”, I reply.
“True
 
Very true
 
When nothing makes sense without that person you’re in love”.
“i remember reading this one article where a guy threw himself in front of his girlfriend to protect her from the bomb….
 
blast
 
i think it was on bbc
 
i remember reading an article where a girl pushed her best friend aside from the oncoming vehicle and that girl died the best friend survived….
 
and ever since then the best friend set out to do stuffs that would make her cross out stuffs from the girl’s bucket list
 
that’s love
 
i know a couple who seem incompatible to the rest of the world and aren’t happy in each other’s presence most of the time but there’s still the glimmering light of love in their eyes that flicker in their old eyes hasn’t died yet
 
love gives them hope
 
that’s just love
 

love is a beautiful feeling isn’t it?”. 

In that moment, I smiled. Saying all that about love somehow made me feel a bit lighter. The same love that could torment a person’s soul within can make the same person feel as light as a feather and put a smile on their face. It felt like I was being drifted away by the soaring birds in the morning sky. For the first time in a few days, a hope rekindled within me.

“It is”, she says.
 
“it’s dark and mysterious too
 
whatever it is….”
 
“And when u can do anything or that person when u read these things and u know inside ur heart you would jump in front of a bus to save ur person
 
You know it’s love
 
When just thinking about them makes u smile it’s love”.
 
“….i hope in the future i’m privileged to love and to be loved….i already am honored to love tbh”
 

She reassures me by saying, “You will be ❤”,

 

Will I? I will leave it to the wicked fates above, but love is such a perplexing concept.

The same love which can dunk a person in sadness can send the butterflies rioting within. The same love which can make a person feel hopeless can fill the person with a new ray of pure bliss. The same love which can make a person feel frustrated can bestow upon a person the courage to keep going on. The same love which can drive a person insane can keep the person sane. The same love which can deepen the understanding between two people can rouse misunderstandings between them. The same love which can make something hard to let go can compel one to let go. The same love which is toxic is also a tonic.

Love is peculiar, and that is why it’s so beautiful. There’s something intriguing and stimulating in anything mysterious. It tickles your senses and the air is filled with giggles and laughter, it also shuts down all your senses and there is an air of desolation all around. Love does that. Love stops at nothing. It’s twisted and puzzling.Yet again, it’s all worth it.