Unravelling the Seams

Sheets of snow crunch under my boots. The winter shiver makes me light a cigarette. Random wanderings lead me to think about all the broken promises inside my chest. My patience withered into a haggard ship. There’s no sailor to manoeuvre this abandoned fleet. You’ve sunk deeper and deeper into the cold dark waters. My heart had place for two, and you knew. I am to you how Rose was to Jack. If only you knew that you’re all that I ever wanted.
There’s nothing around me but endless white. No home, no civilisation, no stars above. The sky is an early morning hue, while my fingers are an evening blue. Frosty wind freezes my body. There’s nothing to kill the already polar heart.
Your lips tingle the nape of my neck. Fiery, desperate, in want of love. The ravenous passion warms my soul amidst all the bitter biting depressing cold. I reminisce your sweet talks, the now sapped attention, and the smile that’d linger on your full lips. I giggle thinking about your dishevelled hair, your cherry lips coated with my lipstick. There’s nothing more I want than pressing my mouth against yours with our tongues intertwined and making their own sweet love. It’s all that I think about because you gave me none of it. The kisses I craved have drowned along with you.
In a time where a text can end it all, let’s just be friends sunk my titanic of dreams. Let that iceberg be damned, it cut my soul into two-one stayed behind, the other walked away with you.

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Run boy run, bask in your glory. You played my love like a video game and rage-quit my longing. I am the Empress from the tarot you picked in the carnival. I’ll come at you like a siren and have my heart whipped with your ardour.
The coffee I brew isn’t the same. My garden now green isn’t the same. I now see red campions growing in the lane and my father is baking a cake. The house is filled with an air that I can finally breathe in after my restrain.
If only I could reach out to you one last time to thank you for giving me a chance, a chance at a new life that croons in my ears and puts me in a trance. I want to embrace you lovingly one last time to turn that semi-colon into a period. I don’t love you anymore. That’s all there is for you to know.

To End The War Raging Within You

Dear Me,

When life tells you that none of it is going to be okay, don’t believe it like you never believed some people on other occasions. Many a time, you are compelled to think that this is how it’s gonna be for the rest of your life when life tosses you around with its spatula in a black bubbling stew of troubles and doubts. Imagine a football field where life is the ground and you’re the player. There are hundreds of spectators out there, near and afar, who are either booing you down or cheering you up. Which ones are you going to hear out? The boo-hoos? Or the go-get-’em cheers? It’s up to you. Just know that you yield the prowess to  filter the unwanted and leave the icky stuffs behind on the sieve.

Sometimes, you’re the ball on the field and the other people surrounding you are the players. You get kicked around and picked about-hard and fast-that’s how it is. Everything is out of your control and you can’t even stop doing what they do to you because remember, you’re just a ball then. A ball can’t lash out at people or harangue them with piercing words. A ball can’t roll around on its own unless it’s pushed forth by a force to a certain degree. A ball can’t bite back with a clever comeback to put them in their places. At times you want to be pushed by people. You may, in the beginning, think that it’s pretty weak of you to even entertain the thought of people shoving your back to reach the borderline. But, it’s the kind of truth that tastes like bitter lozenges and I can’t sugar-coat it for you. I’m the last person on this planet filled with deceits and lies to lure you into a world of illusions that will eventually add up to your already existing sadness. I know it sucks. All of it. Believe me. Not them. Not any of them, not even the ones who keep assuring you that it’s all going to turn out well because they all leave in the end. You have only you to yourself.

It works most of the time. The players push you to and fro, up and down, side to side, and finally make you hit the goal post. SCORE! You will revel the triumph for a few games, but all good things are tarnished by the shortcomings of departure. Heck! They all leave. Your mates. They eventually desert you. It’s the kind of ramshackle that fastens your limbs with manacles and you can’t get up, you can’t move and it feels like there is nowhere to go. You have ridden  on their backs for so long that you have forgotten how to walk on your own two feet. You get up and fall. Get up and fall, THUD! No broken parts will you have, but you will have a  broken heart. You’re back to being an infant. It’s back to square one of life.

Then, just as a baby matures and passes through the various stages of physical and mental developments to grow into the adults we see in our sphere, you do too. The only difference between you and the baby is that the mental changes are literal in the real baby while figurative in you. You’ve passed all of them yet here you are shuddering and coiled up on the floor because you’ve failed. You think you’ve failed everyone you care for. Look at me now and listen close, you never fail. One never fails anyone. You only fail you, but you will have another attempt at winning this shot.

In the process of becoming stronger, you will believe many a thing that are utopian. Things like ‘it will last forever if I am determined enough’ or ‘I don’t need anyone to stitch my heart whole’. Love, you’ve never been more blatantly wrong.

You’ll find yourself breaking apart after every cycle of rejuvenation. You’re made undone and done. You are opened up and filled in again. You soak in stuffs and expel stuffs. You are ever dynamic, and just as the summer gushes in after every cycle of winter, you’ll welcome euphoria after periods of depression. It’s just like the day and night cycle except it’s more erratic than the Earth’s rotation. However, if there’s one thing I must tell you, it’s that don’t be pivoted to a particular issue. Don’t rotate around the axis of what causes you much pain. Let it glide through. You’ll be at ease.

I have told you to believe me and not others. I have told you that all of them eventually leave. I have never been more wrong.

It’s true that you will have to believe me because I am you. This is you. But sometimes, you shouldn’t trust your own instincts which led me to write the otherwise. People do stay. People do care. People do see and feel what you see and feel. Don’t you ever think that you’re all alone in this world teeming with unique life-forms and thoughts. This place, right here, is a kaleidoscope of emotions-it brings out the worst and it brings out the best. If you have this notion that people will never be out there for you, it’s because you either haven’t opened up completely or you just haven’t come across the right kind of people yet. There are plain old fools and then, there are the thinkers- and- dreamers. The latter group will liberate you from your remorse and sorrows. They will welcome you into their circle of strong-will if you would just muster the courage to open up your wounds. Tell them, tell them all of it. Even if none of it makes any sense and even if you don’t know where all of what’s making you feel a certain way coming from, let it all out in front of them. People are there, honey. People will be there to pull you out while you’re drowning in the deep dark waters of such sadness. They’ll be your life vest.

If all of this makes you feel any vulnerable or feeble, you’ll have to stop thinking that. I’m not forcing you to be open to everyone and anyone around and to not put up the tough girl act in front of the audience. Do it, but do it at your will. If you feel like you can’t act out any more then take off that extremely tight corset of toughness. You’ll feel lighter then. You have to expose yourself to the world out there to experience anything anew. It doesn’t matter if it’s abrasive or soothing because you’ll have to take the chance as it is, not wait for it to tone itself down a bit for your comfort. It never was any comfortable when you finally resumed your one hour work-out session after two years. Every muscle in your body was pulled taut and you were left gasping for breath. With your lungs on fire and body sore, you let your body drop on that wooden chair and you smiled. You said you’d do it again. You said you’d do it everyday and you did. It was horrible to begin with. The next morning, every part of your body was aching and the cramps were horrendous. They felt intolerable, but you had the determination, that will to make it easier for yourself by doing it again and again and all over again.

Life is a lot like that, love. It throws at you something outrageously difficult and you have to shed your patience and courage to make the baggage feel like it’s a lot easier to carry around. You will have regrets pulling you down. Anxiety stalling your progress. But remember, none of us are perfect. We’ve all made mistakes that we can never forgive ourselves for. Nonetheless, we can accept them and strive for better to prove the world that we are much better people than what our mistakes made us seem like. Get over it, sweetie, and get to the other side.

Contradictions are frustrating. This place is filled with them and so are you. At times you feel like you’re all that’s left for yourself and the other times you just know that the others have your back. Paradoxes pull you apart and push you in and it can be nauseating. You’ll want to bang your head on the wall and scream out of anger that’s welling up within you because you just cannot make up your damn  mind on what you really want. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel that. It’s completely okay to feel so contradictory. Take it as a gift and use that ability to expand your vision to multitudinous perceptions. You will be wrong yet you will be right. You’ll say something and you’ll say another thing against it. What’s making you so irate is a boon in this realm of bigotry. Think, ponder, prod various possibilities on something even if you contradict yourself. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

You want the nirvana? You’ll get it deary. Even if you have to put on that nirvana shirt to feel good, then do it. Do more of what makes you feel happy, confident, and peaceful. Don’t ever step back from what you have a strong urge to do at the moment. But, don’t regret it later. Don’t bite your tongue and curse at the mirror. It’s okay to be zealous for a short span once in a while.

Lastly, never hesitate to ask for a hug. If you want it, just go for the damn thing.

Sincerely,
You.

Letter to the Stranger

 

 Dear fellow human,

Often, it feels like the whole World is closing in upon me and torturing me with the daily routine I’m forced to live by Fates. Sometimes, I think that my life story is probably the most boring and mundane one out of the lot. No surprises. No gusts of excitement. Everything is constant and even the ever flowing time seems to be relatively at rest because I don’t, and can’t, feel the subtle changes. This place has nothing to offer me and here I lay behind a screen, rotting away to the monotony of my life.

But one day, you came by and a conversation ensued. You will never know how relieved I was to finally break free from the constancy I’m bound to again, even if it was for a while. It was light and engaging. It was like two old pals catching up with each other again. It was refreshing to finally be in the company of someone new and someone remotely strange.

I have to let you in on a secret, things bore me easily. I may sound conceited and probably heartless when I say that I try my best to dodge the radars of people I’m extremely close to because of the sameness and the repetition. Don’t get me wrong. I love them all immensely, and I’d do anything for them and their happiness. But, at times, it weighs down upon me and I’m forced to resort to solitary to ease me off the burden of boredom. Fates are so cruel to someone who wants to seek out new experiences everyday. People usually say that a person can’t have everything in their lives. What’s lacking in my life is an adventure and opportunities to create long-lasting memories that I will take with me to my grave with a smile.

Wake up to the cacophonous and shrill alarm that is merely carrying out its duties dutifully early in the morning. Freshen up. Eat. Study. Blog. Talk to your parents and friends. Go out. Visit the same old worn out places. Eat. Study. Blog. Talk. Type. Talk. Type. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat. It’s a loop. It’s an iteration loop without a terminating statement. It’s a C++ loop gone incredibly wrong. It’s a loop of tedium that frustrates and pulls at every fibre of my brain.

I want to pulverize what confines me within and feel, touch, see, hear, taste, and satisfy this sense of impulsiveness. I want to be on the brink of old to usher in new. I want to dance along to the rhythm of transience. I want my bare feet to grace the barren land and feel the sands of Bondi against my skin. I want the tranquillity of the Mountains and the chaos of a  First-World urban. I want to pry open the different Worlds in our World and experience each and every one of them. I want the solitude. I want the spotlight. I want new people. I want the old ones. I want both the extremes.

There are so many desires welling up within me that it seems hard for me to constrain them. Passion for different is a rabid dog. It has bit me and now I’m infected with its disease. The only cure, therefore, lies in seeking and feeling strangeness. That’s why I held onto you because you were an embodiment of unfamiliarity to me. That’s why I liked talking to you because you were a harbinger of change in my life.

Soon, you’d wear out too. That luminescence due to unknown will lessen due to known, and I will yet again embark on another journey to scrounge for the different. I sound vain. I’m aware of that. But, it’s now how you think it’s like. I’d come back for you. I’m always there for you. I love you, and always will, but a person like me only wishes to touch every element of this World before her time is up.

Come with me if you’d like. We can intrude upon the hidden together with our wild untamed hearts thumping for  exhilaration. If you don’t wish to, that’s all right too. But, I’d never be able to thank you enough for stalling the humdrum for a while. I want you to know that my wildness will never be the death of our relationship. Ask me what I want, I’ll tell you that I want everything. All of it.

Yours Sincerely,
The reckless.

Friends and Change

It’s hard not to fret over unwanted changes because you’re absolutely content with this moment. Those furrowed eyebrows, beads of sweat kneading your forehead, bouts of anxiety that accompany the slightest contemplation of something and finally a panic attack unleashed in its full glory. They’re all few symptoms of your resolute no to life’s mysterious plans that plays along by rolling its dice. Sometimes, you wish your mind had a sturdy armour to deflect these pointed strikes carried out by fear. Unfortunately, for almost all of us who aren’t ready to step into a foreign land yet, it’s not possible to hinder despair or anguish. Everything comes at a great cost. For what you gain, you lose something. For all the grandeur you’re showered with, know that there’s downfall awaiting. With happiness comes equal amount of sadness. That’s how life levels itself. It always tries to play fair. However, we let ourselves ingrain specific moments into our heads that either inflict too much misery or keep us high with ecstasy. Well, that’s how I think it is.

I see how I’m drifting away from the people I love. No matter how hard I try, the currents of change are too strong for me to reach out to them. I lash out at transience, beat about and kick my legs around just so  it can let me out of its tight and suffocating grasp. If these are the consequences I have to bear for moving along with this wretched entity, I’d rather perish to stillness than witness the loss of what I cherish. But, change is inevitable, and immobility impossible until it finally chooses to take me along with it. How will I fight against this then? I don’t. In fact, no one can. It’s just not  possible to overcome the hold change has upon us.

You may ask, ” Well, if it causes you this great a misery, then why don’t you stop emotionally investing in people?” Don’t you think I tried? Snipping off all kinds of ties from people and dwelling in a shack all to myself surrounded by solitude was the first thought that crossed my doleful mind. I hardened my heart into a rock and put up a mask of intolerance. I thought that an act of biting coldness would sap people’s warmth and send them scurrying away, far away from my presence. In the end, the rock ended up weathering due to the strong forces of people around me. Like it or not, life is hell-bent upon moulding and morphing you into a new character every day by adding a new twist to your story as you proceed. You can’t see anyone more stubborn than life.

Even people whose faces are marked with a noticeable indifference aren’t that impassive toward others. They may not feel those pangs of emotions just as much as you do, but everyone has their own weaknesses  and nature always has something in store to send a ripple of feelings in every one of us. Some people just happen to have mastered the act of concealing things and pouring forth the troubles in dark with the four walls bearing witness. Change has that ability- to make a person worth the splendour or completely wear one out from within. It doesn’t matter if you’re a loner or a social butterfly. We’re all victims to reformation. There’s no running away from this one.

Whatever it is, I welcome it with my arms wide open. As much as I don’t wish for it, there’s an inner voice that tells me to stop brooding and let myself adrift for change to take me along. It certainly took me time to conciliate myself and pacify those rumbling memories that are probably scorning at me for making space for the new ones. Life has, and is, taking away my friends with it. In spite of that, it brings  new people into my story to make up for the void left behind by the former just to turn that frown upside down, and I’m forever indebted to the fates for that. I don’t think I have to be, but we won’t ponder over that.

This is how one survives life’s gut-wrenching twists. If you keep lingering in the past, you aren’t really living because you aren’t turning the pages of your book to live the adventure.  Moreover, a true survivor is the one who has finally made peace with life’s brevity. That’s my opinion. Yours could differ.

Change may have changed the relationship over time, but if there’s one thing it couldn’t, it’s my compassion. If we run into each other in a busy street at some point in our lives, it wouldn’t feel like how it always did, but this notable difference is only acting as a detour  in our lives which may or may not be that thrilling. I’m never too far gone. You’ll always find me lurking around the corners if you ever need me, and once you give me the signal, I’ll always be there to pull you in with my arms. Then, we could clank the cobblestones with our high-heels and revel in our companionship for each other,hand in hand, until the Sun goes down and we call it a night.

 

Letter to the Newbie

Dear fellow human,

 

Sometimes I wish I could blurt out whatever I hold back. To tell something I truly feel is an arduous task because I can’t help but ponder about all the consequences it could lead to. It seems like a chance I clearly don’t want to risk. What will happen if I say this? Will they be vexed? Will they just shake their heads and think how incredibly ridiculous I am? It’s hard not to over think in cases I don’t want to mar.

In the end, it only leads to infuriating me because all the things that I have crammed within my head start boiling to escape from this rotten cauldron. It only ends up making me regret the things I never did which  makes my World imbibe a darker shade of grey. It’s sad and bitterly pathetic. Why should I stand back and watch the show from the sidelines? Why should I let others push me away to get the same thing they want? Why shouldn’t I grab the chance when I get it? Most importantly, why can’t I muster the courage to get what I crave?

I can’t because I don’t want to come across as someone desperate. I don’t do it because I don’t want them thinking that I’m pitiful and I have nothing better in my life. You don’t find me doing it because I feel like I’m being a hindrance in their life which may or may not be flowing without a turbulence. In short, I don’t find myself as someone who deserves the things they really want.

Why do I think this? I reproach myself for even deliberating such a painful possibility. Am I such a lowly being that I can’t approach one and tell them exactly how I feel? Why in the World do I consider myself so insignificant? I can’t blame anyone for that. However, I still thrust my annoyance on people for doing this to me which is blatantly wrong.

If I want something, I should stand up for it rather than backing off to let others swoop in and take my spot I acquired with great effort. I should stop thinking that I’m not worthy of certain relationships. I’m more than what people take me for and treat me as. If I want the respect and attention, I should work for it and not just drop on my bed to pen down tales and fables on things that affect me because they may help me ameliorate the stress that’s building up within me in that particular moment, but it’s not really a long term solution. If I want this to end once and for all, I should confront the source and let it know what’s it doing to me. I should speak up.

Speaking up is so hard. I wish it was as easy as it sounded like. This is what anxiety feels like. Being anxious about things only makes me fall behind. Anxiety is a chronic pain I desperately want to get rid of.

My heart beats wildly because I want to let it all off my chest. It gets erratic because my mind is chaotic. I could flood their timeline with posts and pictures that reflect the situation, or I could directly tell them that it’s hurting me. This feels a lot like bench pressing and trying to lift a 1000 pounds weight. I just can’t, even if I want to. I feel terribly helpless and abandoned. If there is something I always feared-it’s to be forsaken for someone new, enigmatic and fascinating.

You let them know how loneliness feels like after a few missed calls and I only let out a silent cry when I have to let go of the precious moment for you out of modesty. You bag the chance when you get it and I wait for the right time to arrive at my doorstep. You come in as you please and I come in when they please. You stride right in like a storm and I grace like the gentle summer breeze. That’s the difference between you and me. You know when to strike and I don’t. You make sure you don’t get abandoned and I do, for the other people.

Who am I to blame you for this? I wish I could hold you accountable for depriving me of the attention. My rage wants to make you feel guilty for what has become of this. This biting sadness wants to tell you of how unimportant I’ve possibly become because of you. I want to grab you by your shoulders and curse you for bringing in so much misery in this phase. The mouth only wishes to bellow all the horrendous things that come into this mind.

However, I know I won’t because I know you’re not responsible for any of this. I sit here crying and typing this not for what you did, but for what I’ve brought upon myself. You did what you had to and I didn’t what I had to. It’s as simple as it gets but extremely hard to overcome. I, honestly, dislike you for coming in between us. In spite of that, I look up to you for who you are. I don’t hate you. That’s too strong a word to describe the dislike I harbour for you. I do like you. That’s for keeping the person happy when I can’t and for the kind of person you are. You’re amazing and this awesomeness has brought me down from the altar. Sometimes, I wonder if we could be great friends. Will we? Only time can resolve this mystery.

Maybe, things haven’t changed between me and her and I could be over thinking  what’s in front of me, but it does not stop me from feeling as someone who’s been cast away because you made your grand entry in the hallway. You’d feel that too, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. We’re all similar yet so dissimilar.

I do not understand what it is that I hold for you, but I extend this hand of truce to vanquish this feeling of despair once and for all. This time, I won’t stop myself from telling you what I feel. I have only learnt that from the expert and I hope time has much more in store than what it has unveiled for both of us so far.

 

Yours Sincerely,
The one who wants back what you got away with.

Abandoned

My Best Friend

I wish writing this was as easy as writing an essay in grade 4.

My best friend is sweet. She is very caring. My best friend makes me laugh and cry, but I still love her even when she makes me cry. She is very evil. She loves pranking. We love playing and have a lot of fun when we are together. My best friend is the best in this entire World. 

Don’t worry. I am not here to deteriorate that highly developed literary mind of yours. However, whatever I did write above is all true.

Why am I writing this? It’s not like I will never see her again because this sounds a lot like a parting message for someone. Well, I won’t be seeing her again in a long time, and it does drive my brain into the streets of melancholy where there is nothing but desertion and grief. The only time my head finds its way back into the meadow of happiness is when I interact with her. On a serious note though, she does mean the World to me (sorry about the dramatic effect, but it’s true!)

Our relationship wasn’t always like the one people generally have with pizzas. It had its own crests and trenches (not as deep as the Mariana Trench though. I would never want a pitfall like that one), but we still got through it all and I am utterly privileged to have a friend like MY best friend (go away dude she’s mine).

I still remember how highly one of the teachers talked about her before she first graced the class with her presence. It had me wondering if she was really that smart as the teacher made it seem like. You may ask, is she? And I will tell you she’s an idiot like me ( a much better idiot than me though. Kidding. She’s so smart that she will leave you in a daze with her words.).

As a new student in the class, she obviously had everyone’s attention. Did you ever have a boyfriend? Where are you from? Who was your first crush? You look like one of our seniors! Hey, are you a Filipino? And there I was, lurking in the shadows and casting a sceptic glance. She seemed fine. She was cute and really chubby. She seemed like a bubbly girl who loved playing around. Little did that old me know that this amazing lass would be my best friend one day and that I would be a victim to her mischievousness.

Time flew by and our class was basically a source of chaos. There wasn’t a single moment where we wouldn’t act sane. We were the definition  of weirdo (Okay. Not all of us, but I was one of the weirdos) and naturally, the new girl was genuinely weirded out.

She was still trying to acclimatize in the new environment and we weren’t making it any easier for her. I won’t dwell much on all the memorable moments we had together as a class because I’m on the verge of an emotional outburst here, but I will tell you this-she became  one of us. She may still not admit that if you ask her, but she merged in like a chameleon. People aren’t static poles. They are ever dynamic.

Ah! The good times we had together. She may find it a little embarrassing if I write all this down on a public platform because they are the goofiest moments one could have. Her striking and charismatic persona indulging in these silly idiotic activities is something that is hard to imagine by people living outside the ring. Enter it, and you will soon realize she’s not the story she’s been telling you.

My Wonder Girl is mysterious (there is an interesting story behind why I started calling her Wonder Girl and trust me, it is very silly and nothing profound) and enigmatic. Her unpredictable and impish character contrasted with my reclusive and low-spirited character. She would always, somehow, turn on the right combinations in my brian that filled me with a zeal and impulsiveness. True to her name, she was colorful and added colors to my black and white life.

Where would I be without her? In the past few days I’ve begun to shed the skin she made me grow. You’ll find me less excited, less enthusiastic, less exuberant about anything. I wish I wouldn’t rely on her so much and I wish I could be the person she’d love to be with without her help. I wouldn’t be anywhere without her. In fact, I’d be a lost pug looking for a refuge.

I’m not a kid. I will grow out of it. Some day, I’m going to stop leaning on her shoulder which has probably weighed her down so much, but that won’t stop me from being with her.

She may live on the other side of the World and I on the other. There will be new people entering our lives and we’ll probably not talk as much as we do now. It hurts to think that. It frustrates me to think that some people will still get to be with her when I don’t-the one who desperately wants her friend’s affection-but I don’t have to be physically there to feel her presence. I know wherever  she is and wherever I am, we will always be together no matter what happens.

My best friend is beautiful. She’s the most wonderful person one can have in their lives. In fact, if she’s your friend then you’ve been honored to have her as one. I may have given her a lot of ego boost by now, but that’s just how I feel.

My only solace now lies in the future. The future may drift us apart, but the future will bring us together and converge our two distinct Worlds yet again. I will take her to the Coachella on her 24th year in this World (I still didn’t gift her a present on her 18th birthday. I’m a prick. I know.) and go to an amusement park together (maybe disneyland, but I still haven’t decided which one) and have our pillow cases printed with, “My Head is an Oil Rig”. I have big plans for her children, her grandchildren, and this means that we will live till we’re all worn out (I promised her I wouldn’t get involved in life-threatening stuffs and not get too drunk) and since she’s one year older than me, she will have to read me bed time stories. We will wile away our lazy hours by sitting on armchairs next to each other and watch our pranks unfold into their full glory on those little adorable pesky kids.

Believe it or not. She’s the only one who knows what to etch on my tombstone after I pass away. You may tell me this is nothing but a wishful thought. None can plan out the layout of the future in the present. It may not happen the way I want it to, but I will make our Worlds collide no matter what happens.

In the end, Suranjana Goswami, I just want you to know that I love you. You’ll make new buddies and all, but you will always be my me lass, and you will always be my foremost Wonder Girl. The future has only posed me a challenge that I’m ready to tackle.

I love You ❤