Dear fellow human,
Sometimes I wish I could blurt out whatever I hold back. To tell something I truly feel is an arduous task because I can’t help but ponder about all the consequences it could lead to. It seems like a chance I clearly don’t want to risk. What will happen if I say this? Will they be vexed? Will they just shake their heads and think how incredibly ridiculous I am? It’s hard not to over think in cases I don’t want to mar.
In the end, it only leads to infuriating me because all the things that I have crammed within my head start boiling to escape from this rotten cauldron. It only ends up making me regret the things I never did which makes my World imbibe a darker shade of grey. It’s sad and bitterly pathetic. Why should I stand back and watch the show from the sidelines? Why should I let others push me away to get the same thing they want? Why shouldn’t I grab the chance when I get it? Most importantly, why can’t I muster the courage to get what I crave?
I can’t because I don’t want to come across as someone desperate. I don’t do it because I don’t want them thinking that I’m pitiful and I have nothing better in my life. You don’t find me doing it because I feel like I’m being a hindrance in their life which may or may not be flowing without a turbulence. In short, I don’t find myself as someone who deserves the things they really want.
Why do I think this? I reproach myself for even deliberating such a painful possibility. Am I such a lowly being that I can’t approach one and tell them exactly how I feel? Why in the World do I consider myself so insignificant? I can’t blame anyone for that. However, I still thrust my annoyance on people for doing this to me which is blatantly wrong.
If I want something, I should stand up for it rather than backing off to let others swoop in and take my spot I acquired with great effort. I should stop thinking that I’m not worthy of certain relationships. I’m more than what people take me for and treat me as. If I want the respect and attention, I should work for it and not just drop on my bed to pen down tales and fables on things that affect me because they may help me ameliorate the stress that’s building up within me in that particular moment, but it’s not really a long term solution. If I want this to end once and for all, I should confront the source and let it know what’s it doing to me. I should speak up.
Speaking up is so hard. I wish it was as easy as it sounded like. This is what anxiety feels like. Being anxious about things only makes me fall behind. Anxiety is a chronic pain I desperately want to get rid of.
My heart beats wildly because I want to let it all off my chest. It gets erratic because my mind is chaotic. I could flood their timeline with posts and pictures that reflect the situation, or I could directly tell them that it’s hurting me. This feels a lot like bench pressing and trying to lift a 1000 pounds weight. I just can’t, even if I want to. I feel terribly helpless and abandoned. If there is something I always feared-it’s to be forsaken for someone new, enigmatic and fascinating.
You let them know how loneliness feels like after a few missed calls and I only let out a silent cry when I have to let go of the precious moment for you out of modesty. You bag the chance when you get it and I wait for the right time to arrive at my doorstep. You come in as you please and I come in when they please. You stride right in like a storm and I grace like the gentle summer breeze. That’s the difference between you and me. You know when to strike and I don’t. You make sure you don’t get abandoned and I do, for the other people.
Who am I to blame you for this? I wish I could hold you accountable for depriving me of the attention. My rage wants to make you feel guilty for what has become of this. This biting sadness wants to tell you of how unimportant I’ve possibly become because of you. I want to grab you by your shoulders and curse you for bringing in so much misery in this phase. The mouth only wishes to bellow all the horrendous things that come into this mind.
However, I know I won’t because I know you’re not responsible for any of this. I sit here crying and typing this not for what you did, but for what I’ve brought upon myself. You did what you had to and I didn’t what I had to. It’s as simple as it gets but extremely hard to overcome. I, honestly, dislike you for coming in between us. In spite of that, I look up to you for who you are. I don’t hate you. That’s too strong a word to describe the dislike I harbour for you. I do like you. That’s for keeping the person happy when I can’t and for the kind of person you are. You’re amazing and this awesomeness has brought me down from the altar. Sometimes, I wonder if we could be great friends. Will we? Only time can resolve this mystery.
Maybe, things haven’t changed between me and her and I could be over thinking what’s in front of me, but it does not stop me from feeling as someone who’s been cast away because you made your grand entry in the hallway. You’d feel that too, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. We’re all similar yet so dissimilar.
I do not understand what it is that I hold for you, but I extend this hand of truce to vanquish this feeling of despair once and for all. This time, I won’t stop myself from telling you what I feel. I have only learnt that from the expert and I hope time has much more in store than what it has unveiled for both of us so far.
The one who wants back what you got away with.