I sat down to alleviate the stress that was building up inside my anatomical cauldron. At some point of time, I may have mixed the ingredients in a wrong proportion and the potion of despondency that came out of it wasn’t doing me any good. I was on my knees begging for tranquillity at the nadir when I fell from the airy and mellifluous zenith of love. It happens. Not everything is as smooth as a frictionless plane. ‘Tis the real World lassie! Buckle up for the free-fall once in a while.
My fingers found their way to a new Chrome tab and eventually Facebook. Oh, the good ole social media! The same social media that has given me everything that I never wanted and regrets upon regrets, but I still found refuge in Mr.FB. Sometimes, there’s good in bad. Social media is like the Yin and Yang.
Lo and Behold! A notification? A new message it was and I click on it.
“People say love yourself before you love anyone else. But what happens when loving someone else becomes the thing you love most about yourself.
What do u think?”, It read.
The ever adventurous mind wandered away in search of what love is, all the while I was sitting on my constant chair (which probably has an impression of my butt) and staring at the screen with eyes wide open. It felt like I was awakened from a trance. The head which once hurt now seemed to have gone for a respite. Interesting. She got my attention.
if loving that person is something you love about yourself then that statement does become pretty useless”, I text back still pondering.
“That’s the point you learn to love urself loving someone else”, she says.
“but what if loving someone else does nothing but hurt you
it’s not always you learn to love yourself by loving someone else”, I reply and found myself a bit disoriented.
It was not a general statement
It was just a particular case”.
cuz loving someone comes at a great cost”.
This was something I did not want to type. This was something I refrained from thinking because the wounds are still fresh and I’ve been trying, very strenuously, to contain the disappointment that comes with love for the past few days. Did I always have to spill a darker shade of hue just to make things seem less magical than they are?
However, everything comes at a great cost, doesn’t it? They all have their own side-effects. So, I didn’t stop there.
“Like?”, she says. I expected that and I knew where this was going.
This wasn’t the first time me and Reenad had a constructive discussion on a facet of life. Sometimes, it’d get so philosophical that it would make me wonder why I am not pursuing a degree in metaphysics. These discussions would make us stumble upon unbeknownst revelations by rummaging too hard in the rubble of buried information. People may either agree or disagree with the ideas, but they are all just that-wondering at the edges of existentialism.
Most of the time, it’d just drive me bonkers. I will admit that, but it never hindered my urge to sit and have one with her.
I finally reply, “with love comes uncertainty and anxiety and angst and sadness and hope and happy and yeah your own version of paradise
sometimes love also means letting go of someone just to watch out for them and love them from the shadows”
“even if you don’t want to do it even though it’s horrible even though it breaks you from within you just have to d o it
cuz you know that’s better for both of you
love also comes with sacrifices”.
“sometimes you have to let go of something whether you like it or not
just to sustain that relationship”, I utter. I found myself typing whatever I was feeling at that moment.
“Exactly because love is the other PEROSN lap pines o ER urs”, and the good old typo strikes back. I missed you typo, but you weren’t wanted here. It was going great without you.
“lap pines o ER urs what xD”. Hey! I, honestly, couldn’t comprehend what that meant.
“Persons happiness over yours *”, she corrects herself.
“and sometimes love comes with strife to make both ends meet
it wears you off from within it’s exhausting you get sick of it all but you’re an adamant person so you don’t let go”, I text back.
“Sometimes holding onto SOEMTHING hurts more than letting go”.
“and that’s why loving someone is essentially a choice
it’s a very thin thread-like shimmering bond of choice between two lovers
you choose to leave bam it snaps”. I wondered then, after saying that, if I’d ever leave even if I could. She was right. Sometimes, holding onto something does hurt more than letting go and I could just let go, but was I ready for that yet? Will it promise me the contentment and peace I desperately want?
Maybe. Maybe it will get rid of the growing angst and frustration, and maybe it will turn out to be one of my regrets. The stack of regrets is already piling up and here I am standing right below it. If I add one more to it, the stack is going to come down crumbling and there is no way I want to be buried in that stash.
“Leaving someone is a choice
You wake up every morning”
She stopped typing for a while, probably waiting for my response.“you were typing :)”, I say.
“And decide I love this person”. Maybe, but it sounded a bit drastic to my ears.
“and you don’t decide just like that…..you ponder you check once or twice and again and again if the person is really the one and if you’re ready to give it all to keep the bond intact
when you feel that you’re ready to sacrifice anything just to be with that person and go to great lengths to sustain it you know you’re in love”, I reply.
When nothing makes sense without that person you’re in love”.
“i remember reading this one article where a guy threw himself in front of his girlfriend to protect her from the bomb….
i remember reading an article where a girl pushed her best friend aside from the oncoming vehicle and that girl died the best friend survived….
and ever since then the best friend set out to do stuffs that would make her cross out stuffs from the girl’s bucket list
i know a couple who seem incompatible to the rest of the world and aren’t happy in each other’s presence most of the time but there’s still the glimmering light of love in their eyes that flicker in their old eyes hasn’t died yet
love is a beautiful feeling isn’t it?”.
In that moment, I smiled. Saying all that about love somehow made me feel a bit lighter. The same love that could torment a person’s soul within can make the same person feel as light as a feather and put a smile on their face. It felt like I was being drifted away by the soaring birds in the morning sky. For the first time in a few days, a hope rekindled within me.
“it’s dark and mysterious too
“And when u can do anything or that person when u read these things and u know inside ur heart you would jump in front of a bus to save ur person
When just thinking about them makes u smile it’s love”.
“….i hope in the future i’m privileged to love and to be loved….i already am honored to love tbh”
She reassures me by saying, “You will be ❤”,
Will I? I will leave it to the wicked fates above, but love is such a perplexing concept.
The same love which can dunk a person in sadness can send the butterflies rioting within. The same love which can make a person feel hopeless can fill the person with a new ray of pure bliss. The same love which can make a person feel frustrated can bestow upon a person the courage to keep going on. The same love which can drive a person insane can keep the person sane. The same love which can deepen the understanding between two people can rouse misunderstandings between them. The same love which can make something hard to let go can compel one to let go. The same love which is toxic is also a tonic.
Love is peculiar, and that is why it’s so beautiful. There’s something intriguing and stimulating in anything mysterious. It tickles your senses and the air is filled with giggles and laughter, it also shuts down all your senses and there is an air of desolation all around. Love does that. Love stops at nothing. It’s twisted and puzzling.Yet again, it’s all worth it.